


From Zero

by pumpkin_latte



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, Fluff, M/M, Minor Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun, Past Sexual Abuse, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-03-06 00:20:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13399407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pumpkin_latte/pseuds/pumpkin_latte
Summary: Hoseok has internal demons, but Changkyun is his greatest one





	1. Bunny

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Y'all! I;m sorry this hasn't been updated in forever, BUT. I'm re-uploading all the previous chapters for this fic. Hopefully I've made it better, as I have fixed grammar and spelling mistakes and made the flow better. I hope ya'll will read the new versions!

**1 : Bunny**

 

**_"We write a new story from zero,_ **

  
**_I want to learn everything about you again"_**

 

* * *

 

  _December 2019, third world tour. The boys had just finished their last concert in Canada, and were on their way to perform in Paris, the city of love._

 

It was an early flight, 5:15 AM to be exact, and the gang was exhausted from the night before. Hoseok and Changkyun sat beside each other, with Kihyun, Shownu, and Hyungwon in the seats in front of them, Minhyuk and Jooheon behind them. Changkyun was surprised when Hoseok forced Hyungwon to switch seats with him, as the latter was originally next to the maknae.

' _Kihyun snores when he sleeps'_ , was his excuse, but Changkyun didn't think much of it, because Kihyun really does snore to the point that it wakes Changkyun up at ungodly hours.

Everyone was in dreamland just half an hour into the flight, except Changkyun. Hoseok's head had fallen over and had made himself comfortable by nuzzling his temple against the maknae's shoulder. Changkyun couldn't help but blush, his heartbeat was far too fast for him to think about sleeping.

They had always been close. The others touch was anything but foreign, yet every time it made Changkyun's heart stop. He knew it meant nothing, that it was just mere fanservice. Just innocent playfulness. The tickles and random hugs, the soft touches that made his cheeks turn a rosy red, were all meant to be meaningless. But they meant the world to Changkyun, and he hated it.

 He wondered when it all started, as he looked at his sleeping hyung and his perfectly beautiful face.

No Mercy.

Soon after he joined, he was on the same team as Hoseok, and although he wasn't very vocal to the younger, he was the most understanding of his situation and least stinging with his words towards the boy. It was Changkyun's first mission on the show, when the slightest attraction sparked. He admired how hard his hyung was working for the team, staying up late to work on lyrics and to practice his parts, but Changkyun first realized how deep his feelings were when Hoseok lost his voice and was threatened with losing all vocal parts in the song. It broke Changkyun to pieces. He has seen him stay up late and sacrifice his sleep for the sake of the team, of course his voice would suffer from the lack of rest. He couldn't stop thinking about his hyung, wanting to help him, but he was still resented at the time.

It was while shooting Young that Changkyun realized just how attracted he was to Hoseok. His milky smooth skin, sculpted body, and honey sweet voice. He started noticing things. Things that made him confused, but happy.

He snapped out of his thoughts as Hoseok shifted in his sleep, his head now on Changkyun's chest. He could feel the vibration of his light snores against his skin, and it drove him crazy.

He looked down at the beauty before him, then looked around him to confirm the coast was clear. It was. He gently kissed the top of Hoseok's head, blushing hard as he felt his soft hair against his lips. He retreated, shutting his eyes tight in embarrassment as he low-key cringed at himself. Eomma Kihyun was rubbing off on him.

 

* * *

 

 

It was almost 3pm by the time the boys made it to their destination and out of the airport with their bags. Fans were already crowded around, waving and screaming frantically as they made their way to the van.

"Where should we go for lunch?" Minhyuk asked, seating himself next to Changkyun.

"Someplace with food" he replied in a painfully monotone voice. Minhyuk glared at his reply then slapped his arm, causing the maknae to yelp in pain. Hoseok smiled to himself at the adorable sound Changkyun had just made. He could picture the exact expression he would've had on his face as well. Hoseok paid attention to every detail of the young rapper like that.

"Let's go someplace with chicken! I want French style chicken" Kihyun proposed, receiving a unanimous objection from the crowd.

"Just as long as that chicken place also serves steak" Hyungwon added, still being too sleepy to fully retaliate.

"Steak sounds good, but we need to have French bread too. And cheese" Jooheon exclaimed, showing pictures of different French cuisine from his tour book.

"Just as long as there's chicken" Kihyun added, again, as Minhyuk smacked him from behind.

"I will drop kick you again I swear" Minhyuk laughed as Changkyun tried to save himself from being squished between his hyungs.

"There's places where we can have all of those things! You're smothering me!" Changkyun gasped as he slid out from under Minhyuk.

"What do you want to eat, Hoseok-ah?" Shownu asked to a very distant Hoseok. He seemed to be lost in within his mind, not paying attention to anything around him.

"Hyung?" Changkyun called, realizing Shownu couldn't get his attention.

"Hm? What?" Hoseok finally replied, confused as to what was going on and why the youngest and the oldest were looking at him for answers.

"Food, where you wanna go?" Jooheon asked from beside him.

"Ah... uh, ramyeon?"

"I will fucking drop kick you too, we are not having ramen in France!" Minhyuk screamed, hitting Hoseok on the leg as he climbed over the seat to reach him.

 

* * *

 

 

They stopped at the hotel first to drop off their luggage and freshen up before venturing out to have a meal. Changkyun decided to hop in the shower real quick to wake himself up. He was sharing a room with the manager again, but he was alone for now, as the manager had stepped out to oversee preparations.

He turned off the shower, stepping out into a bathroom full of hot steam dancing in the air in mesmerizing patterns. He tousled his wet caramel hair with a white towel before wrapping it around his waist a little too low. Droplets of water trickled down from his petite, but carved, body. He opened the bathroom door to find a familiar face standing in front of him. His cheeks burned a deep red as he realized Hoseok's eyes had locked on, while he was in nothing but a towel around his waist.

An awkward silence persisted as they both stared at each other. The older couldn't help but notice how beautiful and pure Changkyun looked when he's just showered. His soft, honey hair, his sexy tan skin, and those water droplets rolling down his body didn't help his cause.

 

"Ah.. Changkyunnie, I didn't realize you were showering" he said with a stupid smile stamped on his handsome face.

 

He knew. He heard the shower before walking in, hoping for this very sight.

 

"I-it's okay, I-" he grabbed an extra towel from the rack and covered up his body, staring at the floor as he was too flustered to look at the one person that made his heart go wild.

"I came here because I wanted to sleep a little bit more. They're being really loud in our room" he explained, smiling as he saw Changkyun blush, desperately trying to hold up both towels. "You don't need to hide yourself, you have a great body"

"I have a tummy. I'm small, and I lack muscle. How is that great?" Changkyun factually stated as he tried to dry himself so he could get in actual clothes.

"You need glasses" Hoseok assured the younger as he placed a hand on his shoulder. Changkyun flinched as his top towel almost fell off at the action.

Changkyun smiled back at his hyung, who was making his way to the bed, sprawling himself on the soft white sheets. Changkyun sighed deeply, placing a hand on his heart as he leaned against the bathroom counter.

"Calm down Changkyun, calm down. Don't blow this" he whispered to himself, trying to normalize his fast-beating heart. He looked at himself in the mirror, noticing his flushed cheeks, and immediately splashed his face with cold water. He'd been shirtless in front of Hoseok several times, but it was unexpected times like this that killed him.

He quickly dressed himself before sitting next to the half asleep man on his bed. Changkyun distracted himself with mobile games, to keep himself from staring at his hyung and possibly making a mistake.

Hoseok turned towards the caramel haired boy beside him in his half slumber, his firm arms snaking around Changkyun's waist, his face nuzzled by his hip. Changkyun froze as he felt Hoseok's warmth mingle with his own.

 "Hyung?" Changkyun called with his deep, smooth voice.

 "It's cold, Changkyunnie" Hoseok mumbled back as he curled himself closer to the boy.

 "There's a blanket, you know"

 "You're warmer. And you smell nice" Changkyun blushed hard at the elder's sweet nothings. Hoseok was always clingy, but something changed over the last two years. He'd become closer to the maknae, seemed to want his attention more, seemed to touch him more, and dote on him the most. Changkyun had Hoseok in the palm of his hand, yet he was oblivious.

Changkyun ran his fingers through Hoseok's soft hair.

 

_What am I doing?_

 

He told himself to stop, before his desires got the best of him, but he couldn't resist. Hoseok did things to Changkyun that made him fall in love deeper and deeper over and over again.

 

 _Love. Yes, he realized he was in love_.

 

Simple things, like his innocent laugh, his sweet voice, his love for Monbebe's and his dedication. Changkyun loved the adorable, sweet bunny that Hoseok was. But a bunny and a wolf could never work out. Not in his mind.

His smile faded at the thought. A bunny could never love a wolf. They fear them, and hide from them. So why was this bunny so comfortable and close with a wolf like Changkyun? He wished they could start from zero. Start in a new way, where they could be together. He wished he would've done things differently when it came to the one he loved. He wanted to start over, rewriting his story in its favor.

 

Hoseok was not asleep. He was swirling in a whirlwind of thoughts that tore him apart.

 

This was the closest he could get to Changkyun. The only way he could relieve his desires without giving himself away. He felt powerless in front of the younger. Changkyun had complete control over him. His handsome visage left the older staring at him involuntarily. His petite but built figure drove his thoughts wild. He wanted to hold and protect Changkyun, to cherish every breath. His pink, lush lips he desperately wanted against his own. And his voice. His deep, beautiful voice. Hoseok could practically bathe in it. He adored his voice the most. It brought him peace and craze all at once like an addictive drug.

 The maknae always looked out for Hoseok, which helped his feelings develope early on. Hoseok was trapped in Changkyun's beautiful brown eyes, and he loved it. As long as he has Changkyun by his side, his sleepless nights and depressed mornings would be okay, because he would make him smile. But lately, his source of happiness seemed to also be his source of depression. Hoseok's emotions trumped when he couldn't truly express himself to the boy. He would yearn for him, but receive meaningless gestures in return. He knew it wasn't okay, that none of this would be accepted, but he loved him. He wanted him. He needed him.

 They were interrupted from their thoughts as Kihyun called from the other side of the door, proposing they'd leave with or without them in the next minute.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was 4:30pm by the time food had reached their stomachs and they were like lions on a fresh kill.

"We need to do a Vlive tonight" Shownu mumbled as he took a bite from the delicate bread in front of him.

"Not me. I'm going to bed early" Hyungwon stated in hopes for getting extra hours of sleep before the concert.

"Changkyun and Hoseok hyung should do it. You two can have a dinner date" Minhyuk smiled cheekily, with mischief painted all over his face.

"E-eh? Why? I already did one in America! Why can't Hoseok hyung and Jooheon do it? Or anyone else" Changkyun rebutted, blushing slightly.

"Why, you don't wanna go with me?" Hoseok pouted from across the table, disappointment crossing his face.

"N-no.. it's not that I don't wanna go with you, hyung, I do--"

"Then you have no actual reason. Changkyun and I will do the live" he smiled, causing the maknae's heart to momentarily forget it's function. He glared slightly at Minhyuk, then back at Hoseok at the forced situation. But he smiled, deciding he might take advantage of the fact that he would be alone with the man he loved, in the city of love.

"Let's go around 7. We can have dinner, and then do the Vlive" Hoseok smiled too brightly for his own good, and Changkyun bit his lower lip.

Hoseok needed this time with Changkyun, and doing a Vlive meant he could perhaps hide his longing as just mere fanservice. He was, however, getting the suspicion that Minhyuk was up to no good by teaming them up, but he couldn't care less at this point.

After they finished eating, the group went out shopping at the closest mall they could find. Hoseok had wandered away from the boys and to a section with several cute bunny plush key chains, when he felt a fierce jolt from behind, making him scream and drop the bunny he held on the floor. He turned to see it was Minhyuk and Kihyun who had just scared the crap out of him.

"Hey!!Why are you two like this!" Hoseok whined, picking up the bunny he'd dropped. The duo laughed at their elders struck expression.

"It's so funny, you should've seen your face" Kihyun laughed, patting Hoseok on the back.

"It's because we love you that we do things like this. It brings us so much joy" Minhyuk grinned.

Hoseok glared at the two, then looked back at the bunny he was holding.

"That rabbit reminds me of you, hyung" Kihyun said, pointing at a baby pink bunny on the shelf.

"It's a bunny" Hoseok corrected, looking at his so-called bunny doppelganger. "It does look like me"

"Oh my god, and the one you're holding looks like Changkyunnie!" Minhyuk gasped, his eyes growing wide at the fascination of bunnies looking like the members.

"I know. That's why I picked it" he answered, without thinking.

"You should get them" Minhyuk winked, as he dragged Kihyun away towards the clothing section.

Hoseok stared at the two bunnies for a good while, before picking up both of them and heading to checkout.

"Hey! Hoseok-ah!" Hyungwon called from behind as he made his way over, leaning his entire weight on Hoseok. "What'd you buy?" Hyungwon poked, attempting to peak into the bag that Hoseok was trying to hide.

"It's nothing"

"Oh come on, show me!" Hyungwon demanded as he snatched the bag away, holding it above his head as he peaked inside. He laughed for a moment, then his expression grew soft as he looked at his best friend, who was struggling to reach .

"Changkyun will love it" Hyungwon smiled. Hoseok was taken aback, feeling very exposed.

 "Am I  _that_  obvious?"

 "No, I just know you too well. When are ya gunna give it?"

"Before we do the live, I guess?" Hoseok replied, finally taking the bag back.

"Ahh.... you two are so cute" Hyungwon teased.

"Hyungwon, don't tell anyone, please"

"What do you take me for? I'm offended! Of course I won't, don't worry. But just know, I'm cheering for you" he smiled reassuringly as Hoseok returned the gesture. He felt somewhat relieved, knowing that someone knew. He would have someone to talk to about his feelings for the maknae, and that made it so much more real.

 


	2. VLive

**2 : Vlive**

 

**_"I feel love_ **

  
**_From you"_**

  

* * *

 

 

Hoseok wasn't sure when he started noticing things, like the curve in Changkyun's pink lips, the handsome shape of his nose, his jaw line, or his thighs. He wasn't sure when he fell into the maknae's eyes so deeply that he couldn't find the exit. Not that he wanted to leave. He wasn't sure when the simple sound of Changkyun's voice serenaded him into serendipity, or when he started noticing just how  _sexy_  his body was.

He'd seen the maknae grow from a shy trainee, into the confident and determined man he was today. Of course, he was much more mature than the rest of them, but Hoseok loved it when he acted free and childish, doing weird things that were unique to Im Changkyun only. He loved his honey tan skin, and his deep brown eyes.

 

He loved _him_.

 

It was 8pm, and Hoseok and Changkyun were getting ready to leave for their dinner Vlive date. They'd decided to go to a highly recommended place near their hotel.

"Have fun! Be safe!" Kihyun screamed after them as they left the lobby, before scurrying back into the elevator as the cold winter breeze attacked his bare skin.

 They made their way to the restaurant, walking silently side by side. Changkyun looked up at the darkening sky, as hues of purple and indigo painted the once bright horizon. He could see his warm breath swirling in the cold air, merging with Hoseok's beside him, as he shivered a little. He cursed himself for not dressing appropriately, as he just wore one layer under his long coat. Changkyun was suddenly warmed by Hoseok wrapping his arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer.

"You should've worn more layers"

"I didn't think it would be this cold" Changkyun defended, his cheeks burning from the sudden closeness to his hyung. He could feel the muscles of his arm against his nape. He wanted to be enveloped in Hoseok's warmth, in his strong arms. In that fantasy.

"Changkyun"

The maknae was brought back to reality as he heard his name being called. He looked at Hoseok, noticing a blush forming on the elders cheeks.

' _Is he... blushing? No. It's cold, that's why'_

He looked at Hoseok, waiting for him to continue now that he had his full attention. Hoseok stopped, slightly yanking Changkyun back as he'd kept walking forward. He turned to his hyung as confusion drew upon his face.

"Here" Hoseok tried to avoid eye contact, but the depth of Changkyun's eyes drew his to meet them. He handed him a fluffy pink bunny, with a very bright smile.

"Is this.... for me?" Changkyun blushed, confusedly.

"Who else would it be for?" he replied, giggling slightly at the younger's expression.

"It... It looks like you, hyung"

"I guess. That one is yours, and this one here, is mine. They're friendship bunnies" he smiled excitedly, taking out a caramel colored bunny from his jacket pocket.

"I always thought I was more of a grey wolf"

"You're like a bunny and a wolf. A wolf-bunny!" Hoseok giggled, very, very adorably. So adorably that it made Changkyun's heart melt through his shirt and jacket and onto the cold ground, only for it freeze in place.

"I don't think that's biologically possible"

"Well, If you don't want the bunny, then I'll just keep both of them" Hoseok sighed, reaching for the bunny in Changkyun's hands.

"Back away, it's my bunny!" Changkyun defended, pushing Hoseok away as he tried to grab the stuffed animal, but he held it close to him, almost as if it was Hoseok himself.

Hoseok loved the way Changkyun made him feel at home, even when they were miles away. He adored Changkyun's laugh, giggles, and handsome smiles.

Hoseok tickled the boy he so dearly wanted to love, without fear. His arms were wrapped around Changkyun's small waist as his brisk fingers made the boy cry from laughter.

"Hyung!" Changkyun giggled, trying to breathe.

Maybe it was the way he called him hyung. It was different from the others. It was... longing, and deep, both in voice and emotion in ways that couldn't be explained in words. It made Hoseok's heart skip a few beats, as he stared down at the boy who was enveloped in his arms, pressed against his own firm, sculpted body. Their warmth blended in the chilly winter night, until they realized just how close they were.

Hoseok let go of the maknae, his face beet red.

"I'm sorry" Hoseok scratched the back of his head.

"Why are you apologizing?" Changkyun asked confusedly, suddenly missing Hoseok's warmth as they distanced themselves.

"Ah, it's nothing. Let's go, we're almost there! And it's really cold" Hoseok attempted to brush off the younger's question. It's not like he could tell him that his heart was beating so fast it could jump out any moment. He couldn't tell him that it was he who caused it, because of his pure smile and serene beauty. He couldn't say a thing, and it destroyed him. 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The boys ordered hot coffee to warm their frozen bodies up. They studies the menu, unsure of what half the foods listed were, and were resorted to using Google to figure out what to have for their dinner 'date' before starting the Vlive. When they finally ordered three main dishes and 3 appetizers, Hoseok whipped out his phone to begin the live.

"Changkyunnie, come sit next to me"

Changkyun, for a brief moment, was blushing ever so slightly that Hoseok wanted him to sit closer. That is, until he realized it was just so they could both be seen in the camera. Changkyun nodded, moving his coffee next to Hoseok's.

"Are we on?" Changkyun asked, softly blowing his coffee as hot steam swirled about.

"I think so, a lot of Monbebe's are already here, we already have 5 million hearts! Wow!" Hoseok replied as Changkyun unearthed his phone to contribute in the tapping.

"Hello! We are in Paris. It's so cold, Monbebe's, please stay warm!" Hoseok greeted first, waving both his hands to the camera.

"Did you miss us? We can't wait to see all of you tomorrow" Changkyun smiled, his deep dimples showing as Hoseok glanced at him.

His dimples. They weren't visible too often, but it was a certain smile that Changkyun gave which made them appear, and Hoseok felt lost in them. He wanted to press his lips against the younger's cheek, but resorted to just poking one of them cutely.

"Hyung, they're all saying you look very handsome" Changkyun said, reading the comments that were pouring in. "Wonho hyung is very handsome. Doesn't he have such a beautifully poetic face, Monbebe's?" Changkyun said, turning towards his Hyung to lightly caress his snow white cheek. Hoseok loved it when Changkyun was bold in his skinship. His eyes looked right into Hoseok's, and it made him dissolve in the strong gaze.

"Aww.. Changkyunnie, thank you...but how is a face poetic?" he laughed. "There's a lot of comments about you too. He looks even more handsome by the day, right everyone?" Hoseok grinned, trying desperately to control the drums beating in his chest.

"Ah!" Changkyun gasped, remembering the bunny Hoseok had given him earlier, "Look at what Wonho hyung got me today!" He unhooked the keychain from his jacket zipper, sticking it up to the camera. The smile on his face could light up the darkest of places.

Hoseok's heart beat just a little faster at this. Changkyun's genuine smile always penetrated him, while his pure excitement made Hoseok's heart swell.

"It's making the same smile as Hyung does. And this one... is the one he's keeping" Changkyun reached over, slipping his hand inside Hoseok's jacket pocket to find his bunny look-alike. "He says it looks like me"

"See, even they're saying it looks like you" Hoseok held the bunny next to Changkyun's face, feeling rather accomplished at his find. For both the bunny, and Changkyun.

After a while of telling stories to the viewers, and teasing the heck out of one another, the food finally arrived. The boys dug in for a solid 5 minutes before realizing they were live, and decided to explain all the dishes they had ordered and how amazing it was.

"This is so good, you have to try this" Hoseok said, putting his fork with a chunk of meat to the camera. Changkyun always found it intriguingly adorable how Hoseok always tried to feed Monbebe's through the camera. He giggled at his hyung and his pure heart, sinking slowly into the elders angelic smile.

Changkyun brought his face close to Hoseok's, and just as the older was about to take a bite of the meat, he stole it from his fork. Their cheeks brushed ever so slightly, as Hoseok turned to see what had just happened, just to find Changkyun a centimeter away from his face chewing away.

"This is really good! It's sooo tender, oh my god" Changkyun exclaimed in English, completely ignoring the eyes that bore into his. These Vlive's were his excuse to be closer to the one he loved, and he sure as hell was going to take full advantage of the situation.

While reading comments, Changkyun noticed some fans constantly asking Hoseok to show his abs, while a few others called him a word that he didn't particularly like. Especially not when it was associated with Hoseok. He scrolled past the comments before Hoseok could see them.

"Hyungwon is probably asleep. The others are probably having dinner or taking a shower right now" Hoseok replied to comments asking how the other members were doing. "Ah, you guys... thank you. Changkyunnie, someone said we look cute together" he blushed, smiling like an innocent child at the comment. It somehow validated his feelings. His desires. Although he knew the comment didn't mean as a couple, he would rather think it that way for his own sake.

"Of course we do" Changkyun winked at his hyung, as he rested his head against Hoseok's shoulder. He let his eyes shut for a moment, as he listened to Hoseok speak. He was telling some story again from their time in Canada, but all Changkyun cared for was the sweet sound of Hoseok's soft voice.

"Changkyunnie is really tired. He's so adorable when he sleeps" Hoseok brought the phone closer to the maknae, who opened his eyes to his own face blownup on the screen. He punched Hoseok's stomach, but it was just a mere tickle to the elder. Hoseok laughed, finding the action priceless.

"Your punches are weaker than Hyungwon's!" The older giggled, finding much amusement from the maknae's lack of physical strength.

"Am not" he retaliated, showering several strong punches on Hoseok's firm biceps, until the older cuffed Changkyun's wrists with his hands and yanked him until he was face down across his lap.

"Stay, boy" Hoseok placed his hands flat on Changkyun's back, limiting his movement.

"I'm not a puppy" Changkyun gasped, trying to move his head to a position where he could breathe.

"Close enough. You're a wolf-bunny puppy" Hoseok said as he continued to finish eating his food. He ate slower than usual, as Changkyun's warmth on his lap distracted him like a child in a candy shop. He could feel the boy breathing, and could faintly feel his rapid heartbeat drum against his thigh.

Changkyun didn't bother to move. In fact, he was rather enjoying the situation, and it allowed him to hide his bright red face from Monbebe's and from Hoseok. Every time he inhaled, Hoseok's vanilla-like scent filled his body, making him high.

"Hey, Changkyun. We should finish up soon" Hoseok moved his arms off the maknae, but he didn't move. He didn't want to, at all. He could fall asleep surrounded by the soothing protection of Hoseok's being. Hoseok shook him, slightly, but received no response.

"I think he fell asleep" Hoseok couldn't help but smile. He took the phone and showed Changkyun comfortably laying on his lap. He didn't even care that people saw them, or that they were live. It was mere skinship to anyone who didn't know how either of the boys really felt. It was just mere skinship to the others mind, as well.

"Wonkyun" Hoseok tilted his head as more comments rolled in. "That's our ship name" he laughed, highly amused as he repeated the word over and over.

More comments came in, and several of them said they were adorable, like brothers. Hoseok felt a pang.

 

Brothers.

 

_Is that what Changkyun thinks of me? An older brother?_

Hoseok's smile faded slightly as his mind made assumptions. He figured that must be it. They were all family and had strong brotherhood. It's only natural for Changkyun to think of him as a brother. But the thought hurt Hoseok endlessly.

Of course, he wouldn't let it show in front of camera. He couldn't. His sudden change in mood would send theories flying with Monbebe's, and he couldn't risk it.

He decided to force the maknae up, so they could end the live. Hoseok brought his hands to Changkyun's sides, taking one last mental image of the beautiful man who laid so peacefully on his lap. His caramel hair draped so perfectly over his eyes, with his long eyelashes peaking through from underneath. He would've taken a picture if his phone wasn't occupied.

Changkyun shot up as if lightning hit him, nearly smacking his head on the table as Hoseok tickled him with no mercy whatsoever. It wasn't until tears streamed down his face due to laughing too hard that Hoseok finally retreated his pesky fingers. They loved these little moments. The closeness, the laughs, everything. Changkyun was already reserved, and sometimes didn't talk much, but moments like this meant the world to Hoseok.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was almost 11:30pm when the pair made it back to their hotel.

Hoseok grabbed Changkyun's wrist just as the maknae reached to open the large glass doors to their hotel. He turned around, confusion evident on his dimly lit face in the dark of night.

 "What?"

 "Let's stay out a little more"

 "But... it's late, and we need to be up early" Changkyun noticed an unfamiliar expression on Hoseok's face. Besides sincerity, there was something else that the maknae couldn't quite pin point.

"I know, but... it's still not that late. It'll be fun" Hoseok's innocent smile penetrated Changkyun's heart over and over. He was also just realizing that Hoseok never let go of his hand, causing his cheeks turn red.

"The Eiffel Tower is in walking distance. It looks beautiful at night" Changkyun couldn't help but smile brightly as his words brought the most precious and enlightened smile to Hoseok's face.


	3. Towering Emotions

 

 

**3 : Towering Emotions**

**_"You won't be able to erase it all_**  
**_You won't be able to forget it all either_**

**_..._ **

**_I know that you had a hard time_**  
**_Because I made it that way"_**

 

* * *

 

 

They made idle small talk on their walk there. Their pinkies brushed against one another several times, but both were too uncertain to hold the others hand. Of course, they were both convinced the other had no romantic feelings involved, fancying brotherhood instead. However, in the cold of the night, even the slightest brush of the others soft skin, or just simply feeling the warmth was enough to make their hearts skip a beat.

 What changed over the years? Changkyun couldn't help but ponder. There were times when he'd gotten so used to the skinship between him and Hoseok that he barely even noticed it. It was second nature. It was like an extension of his own being. He was used to it, and expected it. But over the last three years, every touch, every glance, every smile Hoseok blessed him with, moved his very cells like energy. He noticed every beautiful inch, every precious moment, and every minute emotion Hoseok associated with. Even a slight touch made his heart race, and he knew he was doomed.

"Changkyunnie! It's huge! It's so beautiful!" Changkyun looked forward to see the magnificent beauty in front of him pointing at the Eiffel Tower that was in full view. He couldn't help but smile at how easily Hoseok's face would light up, and how pure his excitement was. Even in the darkness of a cold winter night, Hoseok's face was illuminated brighter than the moon, brighter than the 1063 foot tower before them.

Hoseok jogged towards the tower, pulling the shorter boy behind him, almost making him trip.

"Hyung! Slow down! It's not going anywhere!!!" Changkyun screamed, trying to find his balance and avoid falling face first on the cold Paris ground, seeing as his legs were a bit shorter and he was way, way too tired to jog, much less walk.

"Hyun--" before he could protest any longer, his face smushed into Hoseok's back, who had stopped dead in his tracks.

 

"Your back almost broke my nose!! Your muscles are like rocks" Changkyun rubbed his nose. There was silence for a moment, which was odd. He leaned forward to see Hoseok's face.

 

Hoseok stood there, wide eyed, his full, pink lips parted, in awe of the structure before him. He felt mesmerized by it, moved by it, and very, very small in front of it. His head was cocked back as he gazed at its tip. He was petrified of heights, so the size of the tower alone took his breath away while frightening his core.

Changkyun's heart wouldn't calm down at the expression Hoseok was making. He had already seen the Eiffel Tower the first time they were in Paris, so it wasn't something new to him, but this. This was new. The way the older boy looked so taken away, so speechless, yet so small all at once intrigued Changkyun.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Changkyun smiled at Hoseok, lightly bumping his shoulder in an attempt to knock him out of his daze. 

"T-thank god we're not going up there"

"Don't worry, it's too late for that anyways" the younger giggled, loving how adorable he was when his voice cracked.

He recalled Hoseok's fear of heights, remembering when he had to bungee jump. Changkyun silently watched from the sidelines as Hoseok cried, his body trembling, his fear enveloping him. He wanted nothing more than to comfort him, hold him close to his own body and bring him back down to the ground floor. He wanted to tell him it's okay, that he isn't alone. That he doesn't have to do this if he doesn't want to. He recognized that Hoseok has a severe phobia, and that it was serious, not something to be made fun of, but when Hoseok jumped....  _damn_  was he proud.

Changkyun leaned his head to the side, until it rested on his hyungs' shoulder. The younger was still looking at the tower in front of them, but he could feel Hoseok smile, making his heart flutter as everything seemed perfect at that moment.

 

* * *

 

 

They walked along the tower, staying very, very close to each other this time. But Changkyun sensed something was off. Hoseok was quiet, and his smile had long faded with his head was concentrated on the ground.

 He contemplated saying something. He knew Hoseok was the emotional one, not that it was a bad thing. It's just that Changkyun was almost the opposite. He sometimes didn't know how to handle it.

He couldn't leave the one he loved like this, especially not in the city of love, while they were at the Eiffel Tower none the less. It almost felt like a date, and it destroyed him every time Hoseok was sad.

"Something bothering you, hyung?"

"What? No, no, I'm fine" he tried to form a smile, forcing himself to look up, but his eyes never met Changkyun's. His pupils were glued to the ground as they strolled along the waterside.

"You suck at lying"

"I know... I'm sorry" Hoseok's voice was low. Barely audible. But Changkyun was adept at hearing everything around him, especially when it came from Hoseok.

He wasn't good at these things. He knew that. Changkyun usually kept quiet about his own emotions, rarely voicing his demons. He was good at being alone, and he enjoyed the company of the silence that surrounded him at times, but being with these six boys had changed him, especially Hoseok. He couldn't let whatever demon was tearing Hoseok apart do its job. But just how could he help someone when he couldn't drown his own demons?

Changkyun decided he would do this however his mind told him it was right, 'cuz lord knows if he listened to his heart... things would take a turn.

The younger took a deep breath, and reached for Hoseok's hand, gently holding it in his own.

 

_It's so soft_

 

Hoseok seemed to lose his breath at the sudden sweet warmth from the younger, he looked at him, his eyes wavering, looking directly at Changkyun's.

"You can talk to me, hyung"

It was definitely the way Changkyun called him hyung. It was special in ways that Hoseok couldn't describe.

"I don't wanna burden you, I'm okay, really, see?" He tried to smile his bright smile, but tears were forming in his eyes. Changkyun smiled at him so sweetly it could break a war.

They say that actions speak louder than words, and Changkyun's actions resonated louder than any comforting words Hoseok could've hoped for. The maknae wrapped his arms around the older, pulling him into a warm, protective embrace. He rubbed his broad, sculpted back, and immediately heard Hoseok sniffing against his shoulder.

"Are you sure?" Changkyun heard Hoseok ask so quietly it was almost a whisper. His arms clutched onto the sides of Changkyun's jacket.

Pulling them apart, his hands hesitantly made their way to Hoseok's face; He could feel his heart taking over as his hands paused inches away, but they never once broke eye contact. That beautiful Changkyun smile was painted on his face, when his canines peeked through and the corners of his mouth curved up perfectly. Hoseok's heart skipped a few beats as his face rested in Changkyun's palms.

"Hoseok hyung, you never have been, and never will be a burden to me"

This time it was the older who smiled brightly, with his perfect, signature Hoseok smile. His white teeth, the way his mouth curved ever so slightly at the edges, and his pink lips were to die for. You could practically feel how soft they were just by looking at them. It was a smile of an angel.

"Thank you, Changkyunnie"

Hoseok hugged him lightly, before taking a deep breath and opening a Pandora box of emotions before the younger.

"I just.. I feel... lost"

"We have GPS's on our phones" Changkyun smiled cheekily as he managed to get a small laugh out of the elder. Laughter was the best medicine, after all.

"You know what I mean, silly"

"I know, I'm sorry. Here, let's sit down" Changkyun said, leading Hoseok against the fence facing the beautiful tower before them. Hoseok sat himself to lean against the fence while Changkyun seated himself across from the elder. The younger didn't think twice before taking both of Hoseok's hands into his own, for reassurance and support, of course. Their knees touched because of how close Changkyun was sitting, but he didn't care at this point. It was cold and dark, and Hoseok needed him. Perhaps he needed Hoseok too.

"I feel like I'm just seen for my outside. I'm not sure I feel confident anymore, Changkyun..."

"That's not true. You know for a fact that you're so much more than just all of this" he replied, gesturing at Hoseok's body. "I mean, don't get me wrong, hyung. You have an amazing body, and an even more handsome face, but we are all so much more than what we are at the surface"

"That's my point... I don't want to rely on my body for everything. I always said that that's my point of confidence, but I don't want it to be. Kihyun has his singing. Hyungwon is handsome and multi talented, and Minhyuk is our sunshine. You and Jooheon are amazing rappers, and Shownu is strong in every way and has a beautiful voice and dance skills. But when people see me.... I'm the..."

"Don't say it" Changkyun squeezed Hoseok's hands tighter, anger flooding his words.

There was silence for a moment as Hoseok's sad eyes fell into Changkyun's gaze, the his shoes.

"...so you've seen it too?"

"I wish I hadn't"

"Maybe I've gone too far with taking off my shirt and being sexy. I didn't want to be like this. And my past doesn't help. I wish I was a different person and had done things differently..." Hoseok started crying. His face was slumped down, hair covering his eyes.

"Hyung.." Changkyun's voice was soft, but deeper than usual. He squeezed Hoseok's hand, ensuring him that it's okay. That he isn't alone.

"If only my voice was good enough back in No Mercy, I would've never had to rely on my body to gain points... it's pathetic, isn't it?"

"Stop it, hyung. I love your voice, it's beautiful and unique, and fans love it too. Why can't you realize how talented you are?"

"Do you really think so?"

"I _know_ so"

He squeezed Hoseok's hands again, fingers tangling, smiling warmly.

"There's a lot more against me, Changkyun... my tattoos, for example. People say I've lost my innocence because of them--"

"Okay, hyung, I for one think that your tattoos are extremely hot, so please. It just depends on the person. Those tattoos mean something to you. Please don't ever beat yourself up because of the past... I learned that the hard way."

"Thank you... Changkyunnie..." the older boys voice was soft, faint. He wasn't convinced, yet. His pain hadn't disappeared.

"And as for you taking off your shirt and stuff, only do what you're comfortable with. Monbebe will love you no matter what. Trust me on that"

Hoseok stared at Changkyun's soft hands which held his own. His thumb traced the edge of Changkyun's palm, before his head fell into the younger's lap and onto his hands.

"I just. I don't want to do these things as much anymore. I don't want to depend on my body anymore... I want to be more than that.." Hoseok sat up again with tears rolling down his face, pooling on Changkyun's hand. He leaned back against the fence at the realization that he may be stuck with a persona that somehow degraded him. "But I think that's the image I've set for myself since No Mercy...it's irreversible now. It's expected, now."

"No, you are so much more than just your sexy body! Hyung, look at me" Changkyun leaned forward, his leg crossing over Hoseok's, as he lifted his chin up.

Hoseok was slightly startled, as he had rarely seen the maknae this worked up, and this touchy off camera.

"I have always looked up to you. Since No Mercy, since my first mission-- no, since before I even came onto the show, I would watch all the episodes at home, and you caught my attention first. Your determination, your talent, your beauty... But I noticed that your lack of confidence masked the greatness you held. I noticed that when you performed with Hyungwon hyung, and after that you decided to use your body to gain points, and hyung, I really didn't think you needed to do that... although I don't mind it" Changkyun realized how much he had said and blood rushed to his cheeks, his heartbeat increasing a mile a minute. Hoseok's gaze was fixed right into his deep brown eyes, on the verge of tears as he held back a smile.

"... what I'm trying to say is, that you've had an amazing, sweet voice hidden within you all along, you just needed confidence, which you have now. Not just that, but you work so hard... I never told you this, well... I never told anyone this, but..." Changkyun paused, averting his gaze as he looked down to escape Hoseok's eyes. He bit his lip quite sinfully. Hoseok blushed at the action with eyes plastered on the younger.

"I really admire you. I have since that mission, when we did Young, and you lost your voice because you stayed up all night working on the choreo and the lyrics and everything to help our team, while the rest of us slept... all to have your lines cut. I was so mad, but at the time I couldn't say anything because, well... You know"

"Changkyun... I'm sorry" Hoseok interrupted the younger, pulling him into his firm arms. Changkyun could once again feel tears against his skin, but this time, a tear escaped his own eye, leaving him confused and breathless. He quickly wiped it away before Hoseok could see it.

"Hyung, why are you apologizing? What did I just tell you?" He laughed slightly, in an attempt to lighten the mood under the beautiful scenery.

"I know, but... I can't stand to think of what you must have gone through"

"And I can't stand to think of what you must've gone through. So we're even. And I think we both need some bread with this cheese" they both laughed, averting gazes elsewhere.

Hoseok couldn't help but laugh even through his tears. Changkyun was truly his prescription happy pill. A one of a kind, especially for Hoseok happy pill. Yet the underlying turmoil of not having the boy to himself, of hidden love, and the possibility of him rejecting Hoseok, of his past coming in between, was the elders most powerful demon yet. Every other demon, the members had managed to tear apart, while the darker, stronger demons Changkyun had banished from within Hoseok. But who could take care of the most important one? The one of doubtful love?

Amidst his thoughts, Hoseok started crying again. This time, however, because of Changkyun. He still didn't feel particularly better about the previous topic, but now he felt slightly worse.

Changkyun leaned closer, his eyes had a deep softness mixed in their brown. His pink lips curved into a sweet, subtle smile.

Hoseok's heart was beating loud as he noticed these things, but it beat louder when Changkyun's hand cupped the side of his face, his long fingers resting behind his ear. His thumb wiping away his warm tears which stained his snow-white skin. He could no longer blame the blush across his cheeks on the cold winter night. Changkyun was way too close to him, and way too beautiful for his own good.

His chocolaty eyes whispered a thousand poems to Hoseok's, while his deep dimple accompanied that sweet smile. The moonlight danced on his tan skin, and god, it was so, so soft.

Just as Hoseok thought time was stopping, Changkyun's free hand found its way to the back of Hoseok's head. The younger ran his fingers ever so slightly through his hair, before leaning forward even closer. Hoseok was sure his heart would jump out of his chest entirely at what he was so sure was going to happen.

 

_Is this happening...?_

_Is this it?_

_Changkyunnie...what're you doing to me_

 

Changkyun was only inches away, as the hand that was on Hoseok's cheek now on it's way behind his head as well. Changkyun was slightly on his knees, and dangerously close to straddling Hoseok.

But it wasn't what he thought it was.

Changkyun embraced him, in the sweetest, most protective, loving hug Hoseok could ever have the pleasure of imagining. His eyes grew wide at what was happening. It wasn't what he was hoping for, but it was somehow... _better_.

No words were said, yet everything was understood.

Changkyun could feel Hoseok's heart pounding against his chest, which was pressed against his own. His held him so tightly, yet so carefully, as if he was fragile and could break any moment. Changkyun's balance on his knees wavered slightly as he noticed just how close he was to him, and that his legs were on either side of Hoseok's hips.

He made a failed attempt to move his position, but Hoseok held him in place. Firmly. In fact, he was ever-so-subtly pushing the maknae down until he rested on this lap.

"Just stay like this... please, Changkyun..." Hoseok mumbled from Changkyun's shoulder.

Moments passed. Neither moved. They had become a still photo to be revered later in their minds.

 

_Brothers don't do this. This isn't right... what the fuck I doing..._

 

Hoseok's thoughts conflicted between his mind and heart, again.

He began to cry, again.

A part of him wanted to disappear, again.

He held Changkyun close to him, his hands circled around his waist. He indulged himself in the moment one last time before he had to let go.

"I'm sorry, Changkyun"

"It's okay Hoseok-Hyung. I'm here"

Hoseok swore he could melt into a puddle ten times over just by how deep and low Changkyun's voice was just then. He could dive in the depths of his voice, get lost in the sweetness, and find lost empires and treasures of a hidden world when he spoke, especially when he said his name.

He didn't reply, but a part of him felt saved for the moment. He just hugged the boy tighter, and Changkyun smiled, rubbing Hoseok's back in hopes to meld the broken boy back together. Changkyun couldn't feel it, but Hoseok had kissed him about four times on his shoulder. The jacket being so thick, the younger was oblivious to the action, but it counted to Hoseok as a kiss nonetheless.

Hoseok finally broke the embrace after what seemed to be time without end. Changkyun, too flustered to even look at the boy, considering he was still seated on his lap, tried to move away. But Hoseok caught him one last time, wrapping an arm around Changkyun's back to keep him in place. The younger looked at Hoseok, somehow even redder than a tomato now, although it was hard to tell in the dark.

"Hey" Hoseok smiled, lifting Changkyun's chin to meet his gaze, "Thank you, for everything"

Hoseok ruffled the younger's hair playfully, finally letting him off his lap. They both stood up, and Changkyun looked at him, biting his lip for a moment.

"Hey, uhm... can I say one last thing?"

The older was slightly taken aback, having assumed the previous conversation was over.

"Of course"

"Please always remember what I'm about to say. Promise me that" Changkyun stuck out his right pinkie in front of Hoseok, with a very, very serious look on his face.

Hoseok giggled. "Depends on the promise"

"Hey!"

"Hey yourself, tell me first, then I'll see"

".... fine. I guess it's only fair" Changkyun sighed, taking a deep breath, as if he was about to go into a long speech. Which he was.

"Shin Hoseok, promise me that you will always remember that you're more than what you are on the outside. Promise me that you will remember that you are _always_ , and always have been loved and cherished for who you are on the inside, and that your sexiness is ONLY an added bonus. Promise me you will remember that Monbebe will love you whether you leave your shirt on or off, weather you wear tight or extra large clothes. Promise me you will be confident how you are on stage, even in everyday life, because you have every reason to be... Promise me you will remember that you're loved, and that you are important to us, and that you are extremely talented in so many ways. You have a voice of an angel, hyung. Promise me that no matter what people say, you won't bring yourself down. Promise me you will remember that you are a role model, and you are perfect. Promise me all of this, please. Promise me, please"

Changkyun brought his pinkie closer to Hoseok, his cute pink lips pursed, his determined eyes cascading into his own.

Hoseok's voice was soft as he spoke. He wanted to hold the boy again, be he had already surpassed his limit for a lifetime.

"On one condition"

"What?"

"Promise me you won't leave my side"

Changkyun would be lying if he said he _wasn't_ slightly confused by that Hoseok meant. Usually lovers said that to each other, but he never could figure out how Hoseok felt about him.

 "A promise for a promise. Done"

They pinkie promised under the winter stars and the towering beauty of the Eiffel Tower that night. Yet both of them had managed to become more confused regarding how the other felt in regards to love.

Agape. The perfect theme for them.

Changkyun had a suspicion that Hoseok had feelings for him, while Hoseok was convinced Changkyun strictly thought of him as a brother.

Before leaving the tower, the pair decided to take a selca to remember this special memory.

 

* * *

 

 

The walk back to the hotel was uneventful. They rushed back because it started to snow and Changkyun was very underdressed, turning into a human popsicle.

Upon reaching the hotel, they said their goodnights at Hoseok and Hyungwon's room door and parted ways.

Hoseok slowly opened his room door to find it pitch dark, which was expected, as Hyungwon would be long asleep. He went straight into the bathroom, taking off his jacket and shirt to crawl into his sleeping clothes, when he heard a knock on the door.

 

_Who?_

 

He walked out of the bathroom, cautiously. Everyone should have been asleep by now. It was midnight for Christ sake. The only person awake should be Changkyun.

Hoseok cracked the door open and peeked through to see Changkyun standing on the other side.

"Changkyun? What's wrong?" He whispered, opening the door.

"Hyung, you don't need to whisper" Changkyun said with a sigh, pointing at Hyungwon's bed. "And use the peep hole next time. I could've been a murderer"

"What do you mean? and aren't you one?"

"Of course I am" Changkyun smirked, "open the light"

Hoseok walked to the bedside lamp, Changkyun following behind him as he turned it on. As the light brightened the room, Hyungwon's bed was found empty with no comforter. Hoseok's eyes grew wide.

"Wait, what?! Where is he??"

"He's sleeping on my bed. And he has both the comforters... so I guess I'm sleeping here"

"Oh Chae Hyungwon you bitch..." Hoseok cursed under his breath, grinning as a mirthless laugh escaped his lips.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing... It'll be like a sleepover. It'll be fun, right?"

"...sure, whatever you say hyung"

It was that moment that the wheels in Changkyun's head finally started to turn.

Hoseok was shirtless, and usually sleeps that way. They were sleeping in the same room, with only one comforter between the two of them. This would be a fun night indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm sorry this part was so long Dx I know I brought up things that some of y'all may not have liked, but I thought it was important bc I've seen things lately that have made me sad, and I thought this was kinda the best way to maybe bring it up? But anyways, I hope y'all likes this part! Take care everyone!


	4. Close For Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's two beds, one comforter, and it's cold.

**4 : Close For Comfort**

**"Even if it's really hard from 0**

**I want to have you in my arms again"**

 

* * *

 

 

Changkyun shuffled his eyes between Hoseok and the single comforter on the king-sized bed.

"So... we only have one comforter?"

"Yep"

"I'll call room service for an extra blanket"

Changkyun reached for the phone, searching for the correct number. The line rang a few times before a woman spoke from the other side.

He spoke in perfect English, and Hoseok studied at him with awe. He loved it when Changkyun spoke in the foreign language with so much confidence, he never grew tired of hearing him speak it. Hoseok found it hot as fuck, after all. 

"Oh... I see. Okay, thank you"

He hung up with disbelief on his face.

"Are they bringing up blankets?"

"..... they're out... of blankets..."

They exchanged mutual looks of utter confusion.

_Like hell they are!_

Hoseok knew Hyungwon had something to do with this. He either bribed the staff with money, or somehow persuaded them to follow along with this mess, but there was no way a 4 star hotel in Paris was going to run out of blankets, no matter how ridiculously cold it was. Not even during a damn polar vortex.

"We can share, it's fine" Hoseok finally resolved, sighing heavily, catching the younger's attention, whose eyes were darting across the room looking for solutions.

He stood across from Changkyun, shirtless, on the other side of the bed. A blush seared through the younger's cheeks, and he was certain his face would catch fire.

_When the fuck did he take off his shirt?!_

"A-aren't you cold?"

"A little"

Changkyun nodded as he assessed the situation silently, his eyes wandering everywhere but at the sculpted Greek god before him.

"I need to borrow some clothes... I won't fit in Hyungwon's. He's too tall"

Hoseok's mouth curved into the brightest, softest smile to ever exist. The thought of Im Changkyun in his clothes made him so damn happy and tingly inside it was almost stupid.

"Sure thing"

"Why're you smiling like a creep?"

"Cuz. You'll look so cute in my clothes" Hoseok giggled, opening one of his suitcases as he searched for sweatpants and a shirt perfect for the younger.

"Maybe I'll just buy you a whole loaf of bread next time" Changkyun said, hiding the blush on his face beneath his hair and jacket.

After about a minute, Hoseok finally pulled out a pair of sweatpants, throwing them right at Changkyun's face.

"I'll kill you in your sleep" Changkyun said in a deep, monotone, un-amused voice as the pants had managed to land perfectly on his head, causing the older to burst out in laughter. He could see Changkyun's eye glare at him between the pant legs, making it all the more hilarious.

"Ahh, my stomach hurts, I need to get a picture"

"you better sleep with one eye open"

 

 

Hoseok lay in bed while the maknae changed clothes and washed up in the bathroom. He was on his back, his arm thrown behind his head, resting on it. He held his beloved Changkyun bunny look-alike on his stomach, caressing it's soft caramel fur with his thumb.

"Changkyunnie, I love you" he whispered softly

"Did you say something?"

Hoseok jumped as he saw Changkyun standing at the foot of the bed, looking sinfully adorable in his oversized clothes.

"N-nothing, j-just, it says to hand wash only, on the tag, here... I think"

"Oh? I thought it said to machine wash on low with cold water only, and air dry"

"... o-oh... then... uhm...i-is it still snowing out? Uhh It's warm in here, t-those clothes look nice on you" Hoseok scratched his neck, stumbling over his words, his adorable lisp highly evident. He pressed his lips together in embarrassment, making Changkyun's heart flutter.

_Real smooth Hoseok_

"I'm pretty sure it's still snowing. And, are okay? And, are you kidding? I look like I'm swimming in them. I have no body mass to fill these. I'm a twig" Changkyun laughed, swaying his body to imitate a twig lost in the wind.

"No, no you're not. Your body is perfect the way it is"

"You're just trying to make me feel better" Changkyun said in a low, quiet voice. He pulled his Hoseok-bunny out of his jacket, which was sprawled on Hyungwon's bed, and placed it neatly on the edge of the bedside table next to his pillow.

"I don't mind, hyung. I don't need to be like you or Shownu-hyung. I know I'm small. I would like to have muscle like everyone else does, for confidence, but--"

"Who says you don't have muscle? I've seen it. We've all seen it. You just don't see it yourself because you're self conscious, and that's okay, but don't deny what's true" Hoseok stood up, making his way over to where Changkyun stood. The younger looked at him suspiciously, before his thoughts were confirmed.

Hoseok placed his hand right on Changkyun's stomach, gently squeezing the younger's abs.

"I'm not pregnant"

"What I'm feeling right now, are abs"

"No, what you're feeling is years of junk food"

"Changkyun," his voice was warm and sweet, melting Changkyun's heart in the cavities of his chest. Hoseok's deep eyes were fixed on the maknae's, who was making it his mission to avoid the older ones gaze. "I just told you this morning that you're beautiful"

"I'm just going to buy you a whole store full of bread for that cheese" Changkyun said, staring at his feet, his face burning from the heat of Hoseok's words, and his close proximity.

 Hoseok's hand was hesitant, as it slightly moved upwards to Changkyun's chest.

 

_Brothers don't do this_

 

He wanted to stop, but the younger boy looked so beautiful in his oversized clothes. His bangs still a little wet from washing his face, the way they draped over his deep brown eyes so perfectly... the way Changkyun's soft, pink lips were parted ever so slightly. And feeling his small, but hard, sculpted body under his hands made Hoseok lose his mind a thousand times over. All of this made Hoseok fall in love with Changkyun so deeply, he knew there was no way out from this endless maze of surprises and perfection.

But he couldn't find a way beyond the entrance, because Hoseok himself had blocked the way to something so obvious and true.

Hoseok's hand stopped just before reaching the maknae's chest. He froze.

 

_He will hate you if you continue_

 

The voice inside his head struck him like a paralyzing nightmare. Hoseok's hand fell limply to his side, his lifeless eyes fixated on the sulky grey carpet.

"I'm sorry"

His smile faded as his worst demon reappeared. He turned to exit himself from the room, but Changkyun caught his hand.

"Hyung" Changkyun smiled tenderly, his blush slowly dissipating. "I don't mind. You don't need to apologize"

_That's because you don't know what I wanted to do..._

Hoseok's lips curved wearily, appreciating the effort the boy was putting in for the sake of his happiness and comfort. However, the massive tear at his heart was increasing, bleeding, creating a deep, dark trench of doubt. He cursed Hyungwon for forcing them in a room together. He couldn't handle the pain of hiding his love, thinking that Changkyun would never feel the same. His greatest demon.

Changkyun, on the other hand, was growing more and more convinced that Hoseok had feelings for him, and boy oh boy, did it make him warm and fuzzy inside. He decided he would think of the perfect way to confront the older to confess. Butterflies in his stomach multiplied by the minute just thinking about the scenario.

Hoseok placed his phone in charge, sitting on the far end of the bed from Changkyun. "Do you have a hoodie I can borrow?"

He nodded his head, reaching to a pile of clothes on top of the chair, handing him a grey hoodie, silently.

"Thank you, Hoseok-Hyung"

He froze for a moment upon hearing his name escape Changkyun's beautiful lips so suddenly. He never said it when they were alone. There was no reason to, but damn did he like it.

Changkyun noticed Hoseok's little reactions. He was being quiet ever since, well... the handsy stuff happened a moment ago, and he wasn't going to let Hoseok's mood plummet over something so trivial. He knew how to crack him, he knew exactly the right words and actions to unwind Hoseok.

"It smells like you, it's nice" Changkyun smiled, looking straight at Hoseok after slipping himself into the hoodie.

"I-I wear it often"

"I know you do, and you look good in it. It's big on me, but it's comfortable"

 

_Don't do this to me Changkyun... don't torture me_

 

"You look good in my clothes"

 

His voice was still quiet. He wasn't smiling, and his delicate eyes only glimpsed at  Changkyun for no longer than a few seconds a time. Changkyun had to step it up a bit.

"We should sleep, it's 1:15" Hoseok said as he picked up his Changkyun bunny from the bed, unconsciously giving it a quick smile before placing it on the bedside table.

"You know, I'm right here" Changkyun stated, his lips curving upwards at the adorable action.

"What?"

"You smiled at the bunny, but I'm right here. You can just smile at me"

"I didn't--"

"Just smile at me, please" Changkyun whined cutely, sitting himself closer to Hoseok, who instinctively backed away just slightly.

"Okay.. uh"

Hoseok smiled sheepishly, causing Changkyun to pout so adorably it should be illegal.

"Yah! I mean your signature _Hoseok_ smile!" Changkyun protested, emphasizing on the 'Hoseok'.

"Changkyun, I really don't--"

"Aw come on, please hyung? You can smile at the bunny but not at me?"

Hoseok's mouth curved only for a second before regaining his previous depressed expression, which worried Changkyun.

He edged closer to the older, on all fours, his head tilted like an adorable, curious kitten wanting the attention of its owner.

Hoseok couldn't help but let a faint, almost invisible smile escape his lips. Changkyun's kitten tendencies were one of his many weaknesses towards the boy.

"Don't make me tickle you" Changkyun sang in his deep, playfully delectable voice

"Please don't"

"Then smile" Changkyun demanded, bringing his wiggling fingers closer to Hoseok's firm belly.

Hoseok made a pathetic attempt to smile once again, with just one corner of his lip rising annoyingly.

"You asked for it! Aaahh!!!!"

Changkyun nearly pounced for the boy, laughing his adorable evil maknae, high pitched laugh, making Hoseok finally give in. He smiled beautifully, with the sweet sound of his laugh filling Changkyun's ears like music.

"You'll-- haha, wake someone, oh my god, stop Changkyunnie! Hahaha"

He stopped tickling his hyung, smiling broadly, as time seemed to slow down in that very moment. Changkyun slightly hovered above him, his eyes drinking the beautiful sight before him.

 

Neither said anything.

 

Both were smiling.

 

Both of their beautiful brown eyes were locked onto the others. Both of their hearts were beating loudly. Changkyun's hands were holding onto Hoseok's sides, and neither had noticed yet, until the older absent-mindedly brought his own hands on top of Changkyun's.

Hoseok was brought back to reality from the sudden warmth of Changkyun's skin below his. He pushed him away slightly, getting up from the bed.

"W-we should really go to sleep now" Hoseok stammered

"Then why are you getting up?"

"I have to pee"

"Close the light when you come back then" Changkyun began making himself comfortable in the warm, white sheets, as Hoseok made his way towards the cold, dark hallway.

In the bathroom, Hoseok stared blankly at his reflection in the mirror.

_What am I doing?_

_What is Changkyun doing? He's never been this close off camera before... I'm so fucking confused_

_No... He just feels closer to me.. yeah. Brothers. He's said it before too... just brothers_

The simple word echoed in his head in waves of panging darkness.

To Hoseok, the facts were all clear. Changkyun had spent most of his life alone, probably yearning for a brother. Someone to be close with, to have the classic "Tom and Jerry" relationship with that most siblings often do. And  _damn_ , did they have that covered.

Hoseok blamed his brotherly personality. He was naturally protective and caring, but also childish. He made the perfect older brother, it was no wonder Changkyun would be so comfortable around him. He just wished he hadn't fallen for the maknae.

He slumped his head over the sink, resting on the cold faucet, clutching his hair in his fists.

_What's there to be confused about? He doesn't love you. He never will... not the way you do. He will hate you if you tell him... Brothers. That's all you are to him._

The voice wouldn't stop. It got louder with every word.

_You don't deserve him anyways. You have no heart left to give_

It was ingrained in Hoseok's mind from his past relationships, hardships, mistakes, that it would never work out. The fear planted in him was overwhelmingly strong and the doubt that haunted him from being betrayed one too many times was scarring.

After attempting to cool his emotions, Hoseok exited to find that Changkyun had made himself comfortable almost in the center of the bed.

Hoseok sighed deeply to himself, throwing his head back at the torture he was about to receive tonight.

The older made a sad attempt to make himself comfortable at the very edge of the bed, almost falling off twice, while trying to turn off the lamp.

It was dark, and his back was to the younger. He could hear him breathing softly against the pillow, gently shifting behind him to face opposite of Hoseok. He wanted to turn around to catch a glimpse, but he knew that would be emotional suicide.

Hoseok nearly fell off the bed as Changkyun's voice suddenly broke the silence.

"Hyung?"

"Oh my god you scared me... what's wrong?"

"Oh, sorry" Changkyun laughed softly, feeling the bed shift under him, as Hoseok probably turned behind him to face the boy.

 

"I'm cold"

 

Hoseok blinked a few times, as if trying to think of a solution to a problem he couldn't fix.

"I...uh.. the heat is already up all the way, Changkyunnie, but you can have the rest of the blanket"

"No way. You get sick so easily"

"Do not.... do you want a sweater?"

"I can't fall asleep feeling like a penguin. It's uncomfortable"

"Then... there's not much I can do" Hoseok's voice broke slightly as he laid back down, making another attempt to make himself comfortable on the farthest edge of the bed, before he himself was on the edge of his emotions.

A few seconds went by, and only shallow breathing could be heard, until Changkyun once again broke the silence.

 

"Can you come closer?"

 

Hoseok froze, his wide eyes fixed on a ceiling too dark to see, as his heart forgot how to function. He was on the edge.

"W-what.." it was so quiet that Changkyun's sharp ears just barely heard it. He could hear the nervousness and uncertainty in Hoseok's shaky voice clearly.

"Come closer to me so I won't be cold"

Changkyun could feel his heartbeat picking up the pace as every second passed. All he could hear was the slight shuffling of Hoseok behind him, the shallow breathing, and the pounding of his eager heart.

Hoseok scooted closer by only about a few inches, leaving Changkyun unsatisfied.

 

"Still cold"

 

Hoseok's heart was beating too fast to speak, so he silently did as he was told. Shifting his body closer to the younger boy, under the single blanket they shared.

Hoseok was now only a few inches away from Changkyun, who had his back to the older. Changkyun bit his thumb, letting a shaky breath escape between his defined lips as he was still left unsatisfied, but could feel the warmth between their bodies growing.

 

_"Closer"_

 

Changkyun whispered so deeply, Hoseok nearly drowned. His voice was so raw, husky, and low in its sleep-ridden state that it made him drunk. It was one of Hoseok's weaknesses: Changkyun's voice. Especially when it was this deep. He  _couldn't_  object. He simply followed.

He moved closer to Changkyun, less hesitantly this time, as if his voice was moving him like music does. He moved until his arms grazed the younger's small back, and Changkyun's heart gave out at the slight sensation.

Changkyun didn't leave a chance for Hoseok to comprehend what was happening. The moment Hoseok's arm brushed against his back, Changkyun took a deep breath. He flipped himself over, facing the older. His arms slid under Hoseok's, clutching onto his back, as he nuzzled his face into his firm chest. He nudged Hoseok's arm with his own, like a kitten wanting to be pet.

Hoseok was too dumbstruck to fully comprehend what was happening. He felt lightheaded and drunk. He felt drunk off of Changkyun's scent, from his warmth, from the sweet smell of his hair, from his touch against his own body.

The maknae nudged at his arm again, moving a little closer this time, slightly guiding Hoseok's arm in the direction he wanted.

Hoseok's mind finally caught up to reality and he gulped down the nervousness lumping in his throat. He wrapped his arm around the smaller boy, cautiously, but satisfyingly enough for Changkyun.

 

" _Now_ I'm warm. Goodnight hyung"

 

Hoseok nearly died, and he could feel Changkyun smile against his chest. God, was his voice deep and gravelly, strained with sleep. It was a new level of sexy.

Neither of them had yet closed their eyes, even though their eyelids were heavy from tiredness. Changkyun breathed in Hoseok's addicting aroma, getting high from it as he filled his lungs. His eyes were half open as he ingrained the moment in his mind.

The confidence he conjured to do this came after pushing away countless doubts, but damn was he happy he went through with this. Changkyun's arms tightened around Hoseok's broad back just slightly as he reached the verge of falling into deep, unforgettable slumber.

As soon as Hoseok heard Changkyun's breathing soften, his entire body relaxed, finally releasing the breath h'd been holding for too long.

His heart was beating all kinds of crazy, and his face was an incredibly bright red. He could feel Changkyun's fluffy hair against his jaw and neck, his small hands clutched onto his shirt like a child, and his soft, hot breath against his chest. He could feel every time Changkyun's chest rose and fell with every inhale and exhale, slightly brushing against Hoseok's chest every now and then when he took a deeper inhale.

His own hand was gently resting on Changkyun's back. He always knew Changkyun was small, but he never knew just how small until now, when he was snug against his body, protectively under his arm, enveloped in his warmth. He was small and beautiful and perfect in every way.

If the night meant he could stay wrapped in Changkyun's arms, then he didn't want morning to come. If it meant he could lay like this forever, tangled in his inviting warmth, then he never wanted to sleep. He was afraid he would wake up and find that Changkyun wouldn't be by his side. If this was a dream, he pleaded that no one wake him up.

Hoseok pulled Changkyun closer ever so gently, his arms fully securing themselves around the maknae's small figure. Hoseok's eyes drooped heavily as he snuggled his face into Changkyun's fluffy macchiato hair.

That night, they both experienced the best sleep they had ever had. Safe. Sound.  _Happy_. All worries that once clouded their minds, seemed to be washed away by the comforting heartbeat of the other. Whatever nightmares attempted to terrorize their thoughts, were fought off by the beautiful warmth that surrounded them and the secure arms that cradled them. It was an almost perfect night.

 

* * *

 

Hoseok's ebony eyes squinted open at the bright sun that shined on his handsome face. He cursed at not closing the blinds before going to sleep.

His chest felt oddly heavy, and his leg had somehow become immobile. He lifted his head as he yawned widely, without a care in the world. He tried to stretch, when suddenly he remembered how he had fallen asleep last night, and with who, when he saw Changkyun's luscious chestnut hair only an inch away from his face.

Their positions had somehow become a little tangled during their sleepy endeavors that night.

Changkyun's face was nuzzled cozily in the nook of Hoseok's chest, his arm sprung lazily across his waist. Changkyun's leg was thrown across Hoseok's, their legs pressed against one another.

He normally would've flinched away at how close they were, considering the maknae was practically on top of him, but didn't want to disturb the moment.

He savored it.

Hoseok's lips curved into an angelic smile at how beautiful Changkyun was, even while sleeping with his hair a mess, wet lips parted, and dangerously close to drooling. This was how Hoseok loves him most.

He reached for his phone on the table, making minimal movements. He wanted to the capture this moment, as he had so many times before. He unlocked his phone, a picture of the caramel Changkyun bunny and his pink Hoseok bunny he had taken last night appeared on the screen. He smiled.

The time was 7am, and they still had about half an hour until they had to wake up.

He angled the phone, taking at least 10 pictures from different sides, some of both him and Changkyun, and some of just the sleeping boy on his chest. He saved the photos in his private "Wonkyun♡" folder.

Changkyun shifted a little in his sleep, making cute little sounds that sounded close to moans. His hand came up to scratch his cheek, and Hoseok froze momentarily, thinking he had woken up, but Changkyun fell back to his slumber. The younger's hand had now fallen on Hoseok's bare neck, his thumb caressing his jaw line in his sleep. His face had somehow positioned itself upwards, and Changkyun's forehead was pressed against the elders cheek.

Hoseok couldn't blink. His wide eyes were fixed onto the ceiling that he could now clearly see, partially paralyzed from the sudden skin contact.

He wanted to take another picture. but he was afraid to move, treating the whole situation as extremely delicate, especially since Hoseok himself was  _barely_  breathing.

Changkyun started to snore his little snores again, and Hoseok relaxed a little, letting out a long, shallow breath. He unlocked his phone again, which he was sure he would've crushed by now in his hand, and took one single photo of the two.

He decided to rest a little more before it was time to wake up from this new dream.

 

* * *

 

"WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP ITS 7:25 WAKE UP"

Changkyun and Hoseok's eyes shot open from the obnoxious screaming and banging resonating from their room door; the voice identified as Kihyun.

The two exchanged looks of shock and embarrassment, realizing their faces were only a few inches apart. Hoseok backed away instinctively, his butt hitting the hard carpet in a loud thump.

"Hyung!!" Changkyun tried to grab Hoseok, but he had already fallen off the bed, taking the bunny, his phone, pillow, alarm clock, and half the blanket with him.

"Oh my god are you okay??" Changkyun was trying very hard to hold back his laughter, but he couldn't help it. The sight was  _hilarious_.

"Owww!!! The carpet looks soft but it's not!"

"Well, you did fall from all the way up here"

"Stop laughing, it's not funny, it really hurts!"

"You didn't stop laughing at me yesterday. I guess karma does exist!"

Hoseok shot the evil maknae a glare as he shamelessly laughed, snapping a photo of the older rubbing his behind in pain.

"Come on hyung, stop wasting time, we gotta get ready" a teasing smile appeared on Changkyun's lips as he made his way to the bathroom. Hoseok sighed heavily, cursing under his breath, clutching the soft carpet in his fingers.

"That Changkyun.... he's going to kill me one day"

 

* * *

 

 

6 of the boys were waiting in the car for Hyungwon to show up, who had woken up last. Kihyun was the last to get in, as he had run up last minute to urge Hyungwon to hurry up, or else.

Hoseok was seated in the single seat next to the window. Changkyun was in the back of the van, with Jooheon and Minhyuk, and Shownu and Kihyun were in the front two seats.

When Hyungwon finally entered the car, Hoseok shot him a deathly glare, punching his arm the moment the tall boy was seated.

"Owww!!!! That huuuurts! It's too early for this hyung!!"

Hoseok stayed quiet, but Hyungwon knew exactly what the older intended, and he regretted nothing.

Hoseok opened his music app, deciding to listen to music to relax. When he couldn't work out, music was his next best relaxant. He stuck the ear buds in, blocking himself out from the world.

He scrolled through, until he reached it. His thumb hovering over the dark pink and purple album cover of his favorite song, tracing the handsome shadow of the face on his screen. The voice that liquefied him, that secured his thoughts, that grounded him, yet made him fly.

He pressed play, putting the volume up. The chic music filled his ears, until the deep voice resonated his soul, feeling it on his bones.

 

' _What's that in the mirror, I don't even know myself_

_'Because I didn't want to become an adult, my doubts grew'_

The lyrics always spoke to him like no other. Hoseok tapped his fingers to the beat against the arm rest, and Changkyun took notice. He bobbed his head, every time the music pushed and pulled at him.

_More than success, what was I born for?'_

_'I want to find my roots'_

Hoseok's heartbeat increased steadily, the lyrics stirring new emotions every time.

_Like my name I want to bloom_

_Like my name I want to bloom'_

The fast melodic rapping took Hoseok's breath away and he tilted his head back, giving himself away to the powerfully deep voice ripping through his body.

Hoseok mouthed the words ever so slightly at the chorus, and Changkyun smiled brightly, a blush painting his cheeks.

_The question who am I'_

_Don't regret anything now'_

_The question who am I_

_Who am I'_

 

* * *

 

When they reached their breakfast destination, they were going over the final itinerary for the concert.

"We have the most requested games from French Monbebe that you boys will be playing. The top three will be played" said their manager.

"What are they?" Jooheon asked, stuffing more bacon into his mouth.

"They're all going to be cringey. I know it" Kihyun said, drinking his hot chocolate.

"It'll be fuuuuun!!! Someone pass me the cheese" Minhyuk demanded, as Changkyun obliged. "Thank you Changkyunnie. You're glowing today"

"Shut up. You're annoying today"

"Ahem..." the manager coughed, attempting to gain the boys' attention, "the plan"

"Sorry, please continue!" Minhyuk bowed slightly, smiling to win over the manager. It always worked.

"Your top 3 games for today are, random speed dance, charades, and pepero game"

Hoseok nearly choked on his egg, and Shownu had to pat his back to help the boy breathe. Changkyun's face went a ghostly pale, and he wasn't sure if this was an opportunity or a nightmare. The rest of the boys whined in protest, Kihyun cringed off the seat and onto the floor, and Jooheon looked as if he had died. Hyungwon was rethinking his life choices, and Minhyuk had a faint mischievous smile on his face as his eyes trailed from Hoseok to Changkyun.

Hoseok and Changkyun, however, had lost their ability to speak.

Minhyuk grinned, "a pepero game will be fun, lighten up!"

 


	5. SuJu Style

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's only a pepero between Changkyun and Hoseok.

**5 :**   **SuJu**   **Style**

**_"I was tricked_ **

**_By time little by little_ ** **"**

 

* * *

 

 

_15 minutes..._

 ...The sound of Kihyun's vocal warm-ups reverberates backstage.

_12 minutes..._

...Minhyuk is on his phone, typing his own name into the search bar.

 _11 minutes_...

...Jooheon is trying to find Shownu while he warms up his voice. He is singing G-Dragon's Untitled.

 _10 minutes_...

...Shownu is still in the bathroom.

 _7 minutes_...

...Hyungwon is half asleep with his mouth half open.

 _6 minutes_...

...Hoseok is trying to find a place to charge his phone. He finds an outlet next to a hallway.

 _5 minutes_...

...Changkyun grabs Hoseok's wrist, pulling him into the hallway

 

 

"H-hey! What're you doing??"

"I need to tell you something before we go out there" the younger's voice raced, seemingly out of breath. Hoseok eyed him curiously, nodding for him to continue. Changkyun inhaled deeply, and Hoseok held his breath.

"Hyung, you work out because it makes you feel good, right? You do it for you. You work out because you need to stay in good health, and it's your way of relieving stress, even though you still you get sick the most--"

"Do not. Have you seen Hyungwon?" Hoseok pouted, crossing his arms at the sudden accusation.

"You do, and Hyungwon hyung just  _looks_  sick. He doesn't  _get_  sick that often, but can you just listen to me?" Changkyun sighed, before freeing the flood of words waiting to be released from his tongue, "Look, being physically fit makes you happy and healthy a-and you never need to stop doing that part but you need to do it for yourself first if that makes sense, do it for everyone else second and only when you feel like it, if you want to but if you don't, it's fine because nothing will change"

Hoseok's spacious eyes were fixated on him, trying to process the sudden monologue.

"You'll... still be perfect" the maknae whispered with blazing eyes boring into Hoseok's.

"W-where.. is all this coming from?" His lips wore a confused smile, but his heart felt as if sunshine had bestowed it.

Changkyun opened his mouth to answer, but a staff member entered the narrow hallway with large equipment, forcing Changkyun to squish against Hoseok for a passing second. Their chests flushed against the others, and Changkyun lost his mind. Both their faces burned as the closeness from last night rushed to their thoughts.

"Look..." Changkyun scratched the back of his neck nervously, trying hard to dissipate his blush, "You don't  _have_  to take off your shirt today... I just, I couldn't stop thinking about everything you told me last night and... I don't think you should come under the pressure of all that. Just do what makes you comfortable, okay?"

Hoseok's eyes softened, but his lips wore a brittle smile, "Kyunnie... I don't think they'll allow me to have my way. It's become a selling point"

"I can take care of that, don't worry" the younger smiled reassuringly, and Hoseok felt his heart flutter like the wings of a hummingbird.

Hoseok loves him. He  _loves_  Changkyun so much it's... almost unbearable.

But the darkness brewing in his mind wouldn't let a bright light like Changkyun shine into its crevices...

...it would be too dangerous.

 

* * *

 

It would be a blatant lie to claim Paris' concert was ordinary. Never before had the emotional tug-of-war between Hoseok and Changkyun been more obvious and strained at the same time. The subtle glances and eyes that lingered a little too long accompanied the hidden smiles when the other performed his part. They were lost in each other, but neither tried to find the way out.

The last song before halftime was a song which connected both their hearts, and even the Monbebe's in the farthest balconies could see the growing tension.

 _"I know I don't deserve you,_  
_I know that I didn't get to say sorry"_

 

It would be  _also_  be a lie to claim Changkyun wasn't looking right at Hoseok as he mouthed the words.

 

 _"Even if it's really hard from zero,_  
_I want to have you in my arms again"_

The younger's eyes always found themselves settling in Hoseok's as the song continued. He unknowingly returned Changkyun's warm gaze with a smile more than once, wanting nothing more but to have the boy in his arms again.

When Changkyun moved his body to the beat which Hoseok composed, the latter felt his lips go dry. His movements were always smooth and fierce, pushing the air around him so strongly that the power of his dance could be felt from across the stage.

But what he didn't realize was that Changkyun's power was reciprocated from his own. Their movements were in unison, and their hearts in perfect harmony. It wasn't until the end of the song, however, that Hoseok realized something completely different was happening.

Was the maknae... singing right to Hoseok?

 

"From Zero, not even 1,"

 

Changkyun rapped in perfect English as he turned to face Hoseok, "for you I dedicate this song"

He gestured his hand towards the elder, almost as if he were asking for it to be held. Hoseok felt his breath abandon him, his heart burning under Changkyun's searing eyes.

 

_Don't do this Kyunnie... please_

 

But Changkyun was already walking towards him, and Hoseok's heart drummed rapidly.

 

_Don't torture me like this_

 

Before he could process, or protest, the situation, Changkyun's fingers were already caressing his cheek in front of thousands of Monbebe's. He tilted his head, and his cheeks dimpled with his lips curved.

"So please babe," he sang deeply, his velvety voice filling Hoseok's ears with desire as Changkyun's pointer finger traced along his jaw.

"Just give me a chance to be yours"

Both of their rapid hearts were muted by the loud cheering and screaming from the crowd. Two particular Monbebe's from the crowd even started chanting "changho rise!"... whatever that meant, Hoseok thought.

_Right... this is nothing but fan service... He does shit like this with everyone... it doesn't mean anything_

Meaningless words... meaningless touches... But they quenched at Hoseok's heart repeatedly, shredding it apart.

 

* * *

 

 

"Could you guys be any more subtle? It looked like the fucking hunger games out there" Kihyun glared at Changkyun, receiving a snarky comment in reply. He claims the fans like it, but anyone could see that above everyone, he enjoyed that little display the most.

Changkyun had left for the bathroom, while Hoseok had his makeup refurbished. This was the perfect opportunity for the others to plan before the games begun.

"Okay, so we all need to play paper" Minhyuk whispered into the circle of 5 conspiring boys.

"Are you crazy, I should deliberately be out from this game, have you  _seen_  my lips?" Hyungwon pointed at his pillowy lips, and everyone made some gesture of disgust at the thought. "Don't need to be that obvious. That parts already covered by  _those_  two" he pouted, gesturing his head towards Changkyun and Hoseok's general direction.

"Okay, then... we all do paper, and Hyungwon does scissors" Jooheon explained as he made a scissors with his fingers and jabbed at the air towards Hyungwon.

"That means those two have to do rock, but how do we force them to do that?" Kihyun asked, his eyes wandering from face to face, until it involuntarily settled on Shownu's for answers.

Minhyuk laughed loudly, as if the answer was in plain sight. "Leave that to me"

 

* * *

 

 

Shownu leaned against the table and stared at Hoseok until his attention was met. "Hey"

They'd decided it was best if Minhyuk didn't partake in the execution of his own plan, leaving Shownu to deal with Hoseok. Minhyuk would too easily be suspected for fishy business, due to his history of mischievous acts.

Their next choice was Hyungwon, but he'd already lost both their trust from his stunt last night, which the remaining 4 conspirers had applauded him for.

Hoseok glanced between his best friend and the mirror in front of him, and sighed. Shownu nodded, as if his sigh spoke words. "I know how it feels"

Hoseok turned to the leader, brows upturned with shock and confusion.

"W-what do you mean?"

"The thought of pairing with someone you have feelings for. In front of an audience. It's not easy"

Hoseok's eyes darted as he tried to think of who Shownu might like, but his thought failed.

"Look... If you don't wanna be paired with Kyunnie, do rock. I'll make sure he does something else"

Hoseok saw Shownu, the savior leader, glowing in that moment, halo and all. He smiled with relief, and hugged the big guy gently. Shownu felt a tinge of guilt build in his heart as he hugged Hoseok back.

 

* * *

 

 

In the hallway, inside the bathroom, Changkyun had just finished his business. He opened the stall door to find Kihyun leaning against the sink, arms crossed and stare deadly.

"You  _cannot_  get paired with Hoseok hyung. It'll be too obvious"

Changkyun blinked a few times, as he tried to figure out what this hyung was talking about.

"The pepero game, stupid"

Kihyun saw the younger's eyes and mouth go 'ah!', and he rolled his own at Changkyun's odd obviousness.

"I can't really control it if we pair up. It's a game of chance, after all" Changkyun snorted as he pumped a dollop of foamy soap onto his palm.

"You can't, but I can" Kihyun smirked.

If anyone else had confronted Changkyun, the witty maknae's brain would have instantly formed suspicion. Even Jooheon would have sparked some kind or worry, but Kihyun... Changkyun trusted the older to be mature enough to deviate from acts of deviation such as this. Plus, he's mom and Changkyun knows he's Kihyun's favorite son.

 

* * *

 

 

By the time random speed dance ended, the boys were sweating profusely with heaving chests. Minhyuk, Jooheon and Changkyun were sprawled on the floor, while Kihyun made a very sad attempt to speak to Monbebe's in French.

Changkyun stood up and made his way to Hoseok on the opposite side of the stage with tired legs. He casually stole the elders water bottle from his hands and drank from it. Hoseok looked away almost immediately, because his eyes were drinking the sight of Changkyun's coral lips and bobbing Adam's apple as he innocently drank water.

There were other water bottles closer to Changkyun... but Hoseok's had the taste of his lips on the rim, and it added the extra sweetness the younger wanted.

Shownu and Jooheon both noticed this, the latter winking to their smiling leader as anticipation of their master plan mounted.

When charades came to an end, the boys circled themselves and each stuck a hand out for rock-paper-scissor.

Minhyuk conducted it, and as planned, Hyungwon played scissors, which had placed him in the front of the line with the most amount of pepero between his plump lips and Jooheon.

Jooheon, Minhyuk, Shownu, and Kihyun each remembered to throw paper, as planned. They immediately grabbed each other's hands in fake relief and excitement, as Changkyun and Hoseok stared at each other's rocks in disbelief.

Minhyuk and Jooheon urged them to line up, at the very end, where the pepero would be shortest. It was a perfect plan, really. Except Hoseok wanted a redo, and Changkyun stood agape.

They were forced into the lineup at the very end, and before either could properly protest or think, the game had begun.

Hyungwon held the pepero between his lips, as Jooheon took a single bite, taking it between his own. He passed it to Minhyuk, who took more bites than he should have, and held the half-sized pepero between his smirking lips as Shownu nonchalantly took a large bite, securing it between his lips. Kihyun cringed several times, because there wasn't much left, and it was between Shownu's lips.

He thought for a moment that maybe Minhyuk had planned this too, but dismissed the thought as no one knew of his feelings.

Kihyun balanced on his toes, and took a few bites, before turning to Hoseok with the chocolate-covered stick between his lips. Hoseok sighed in agony as he took a small bite and pressed the pepero between his lips.

Hoseok turned to Changkyun, whose blush was painfully obvious. The younger bit his lip, and inched closer to his hyung. Except Hoseok was taller, and Changkyun wasn't wearing insoles today, and there was only an inch of pepero between his lips. Changkyun maneuvered around Hoseok, but the rest of the boys were chanting something as Minhyuk stood before them.

 

"SuJu style! SuJu style!"

 

Changkyun's eyes widened with fear, as he tried to remember  _what_  style they were referring to. Hoseok, however, sighed heavily between the pepero as he knew exactly what they meant. He signaled with his hands for Changkyun to come closer, which the younger did. Hoseok firmly placed his hands around Changkyun's waist, bending down slightly to get the right leverage. His arms tightened around Changkyun, and the younger protested, asking what the older was doing, although he knew Hoseok couldn't speak right now.

In one swift motion, Hoseok effortlessly lifted Changkyun. The younger's arms gripped tightly around Hoseok's broad shoulders, and he instinctively wrapped his legs around his waist. Hoseok's hands were planted dangerously close to Changkyun's ass as he adjusted his height, leveling their lips. They're sure even the camera caught their burning cheeks, but their pounding hearts were safe from public exposure.

Monbebe's screamed and cheered them on, and the members cooed and made immature background noise. It was a loud chatter of sounds, but Hoseok and Changkyun couldn't hear any of it. Their heartbeats overpowered everything with white noise and in that moment only the other existed.

They eyed each other for a few seconds before Changkyun finally lessened the gap. His fingers clutched the back of Hoseok's head as he tilted his own for a better angle. He inched closer, eyes fixated at the tiny piece of pepero between Hoseok's wonderfully moist lips. Some melted chocolate streamed down the curve of his bottom lip, as his risen body heat had softened the coating.

Changkyun was positive,  _absolutely_  positive he would go mad. When his teeth bit into the tiny piece, he became hyper-aware of the rest of his body, feeling everything in a feverish craze; Hoseok's hands tightening around his back, his own thighs clenched around the elders waist, and his hips pressed against the others.

Changkyun took another small bite, making no effort to retract his lips. He continued to bite down the stick, until their lips threatened touching. He froze, however, just a few centimeters away, and Hoseok's breath settled on his lips. He dared to look at Hoseok in that moment, and found his eyes fixated on Changkyun in a fiery gaze. The deep orbs flickered something fierce, and Changkyun focused back on the pepero before his flammable heart caught fire.

He took another tiny bite, which wasn't even a full bite, and felt a brush of warmth from Hoseok's lips on his own. Neither were sure of the scene around them, or how the members might be reacting to this, or how Monbebe's began to break the sound barrier. But they also didn't notice Minhyuk creep closer to them, and position both his hands behind either of their heads.

Changkyun was sure he was about to pull away from Hoseok and the pepero, but in a blink, his lips were quite forcefully pressed against Hoseok's. He could taste Hoseok's sweetness invade the skin of his lips, along with the melted chocolate as the pepero jabbed against his teeth. The pepero fully lodged itself between Changkyun's lips, and Hoseok made the mistake of parting his lips for a gasp against the younger's. The lip lock skewed their senses, causing such a heightened blur in their minds that they became oblivious. Forgetting that they're in the middle of a concert with thousands of eyes watching.

It wasn't until Changkyun's hand touched someone else's behind Hoseok's head, that they realized something was firmly pushing their heads together. They both unanimously pulled their heads apart, breaking free from Minhyuk's grip, and from each other's deadly lips. They gasped, Monbebe's cheered and clapped, and the members ranged from a variety cooing to cringing.

 

 

The remaining half of the concert was smooth sailing. The flirtatious glances came to a complete halt, in fact, the two almost made it their mission to avoid the other. Changkyun may have thrown a shy glance at Hoseok at one point during a rest in choreo, but the older avoided the maknae entirely.

It was as if the two poles that once desired to collide had shielded their magnetic power entirely. By the time the concert ended, Changkyun had formed a permanent blush on his cheeks, and Hoseok was grumpy.

 

* * *

 

Hoseok stomped by Shownu, throwing a glance of disappointment towards the leader. Shownu smiled apologetically, grabbing Hoseok's wrist.

"I'm sorry for lying but--"

"I trusted you, Shownu"

Hoseok snapped as he snatched his wrist away, leaving a worried and frowning Shownu behind. He didn't mean to, but he felt mounting discomfort within him. His cheeks refused to cool down, and his heart rapped violently. It was a fleeting moment, with their lips in contact for no more than a few seconds, but...

To Hoseok, it felt like a lifetime. A lifetime in the heavens he so desperately wanted, but refused to believe in.

Somewhere deep inside Hoseok's heart, however, he felt a relief. He had received his answer, and it was thanks to Changkyun. Monbebe's cheered him and showed the same amount of energy and love with his shirt on, as they did when it came off. He felt validated, in a way, that he didn't need his body to feel confidence. He felt satisfied, yet his heart tightened.

 

* * *

 

 

Changkyun was giddy for the remainder of that dreamy night. He found himself smiling unknowingly more often than not. His starry eyes twinkled with happiness, and his cheeks had made a non-refundable purchase of the color red.

The maknae was sprawled across his fluffy white bed, comfortably drowning in the warmth of Hoseok's sweatshirt and sweatpants.

Although Hoseok had quite literally forced Hyungwon back in his respective room, Changkyun had maybe purposely forgotten to return the elders clothes from the previous night.

He lay on his back, with his Hoseok-bunny plush resting comfortably against his pillow beside his face. Changkyun clicked the YouTube app, and searched what the heck the members were referring to when they said 'SuJu style'. He soon came to realize the 5 idiots had just thought of the name on a whim, when he finally came across a video of the Super Junior concert where the original took place. He watched the pepero game which Hoseok and himself had just mimicked, with a minor, forced, adlib, with grave intent, and squirmed into oblivion, almost falling off the bed.

He grazed his fingers over his lips, feeling the tingle from Hoseok's still lingering. He relived the moment over and over, unwilling to let his lips forget the elders warmth. He rolled to his side, and nuzzled his forehead against the soft pink bunny, smiling goofily.

"How do I make you realize... when everything is so clear... Hoseokkie...?" He whispered against the bunny's pastel pink fuzz. He held it close to his chest, picking up his phone once again in hopes to grow drowsy.

He continued scrolling through videos, seeing what Monbebe's had posted, when he came to a one that switched the light bulb in his brain to 'on'.

He pressed play, then pause, then rewind, and play again. His eyes widened and gasped sharply, as he just discovered the perfect way to confess his feelings to Hoseok.


	6. Ramyun to Your Heart

 

**6 : Ramyun to your Heart**

**_"Don't let go and hold on tight_ **

**_That's how my love for you_ **

**_Won't fall off the cliff now"_ **

 

* * *

 

 

Changkyun stood before the stove with a pot of boiling water and two packs of ramyun in either hand. He sighed, turned the fire off and ventured to find Kihyun.

They had arrived back at the dorm around 4pm the day following the Paris concert, since they had a few days off from their world tour for Christmas. Almost all the members immediately found their beds, or in Hyungwon's case, the couch, and dozed off into deep sleep.

Kihyun had busied himself in cleaning while Hoseok had departed for the gym almost as fast as Hyungwon drifted to sleep. Changkyun found him in the laundry room folding some clothes. He fiddled with his sweatshirt string while he searched his mental dictionary for the right words.

"Hyung?"

Kihyun sharply turned around, almost startled by the deep voice. He eyed the maknae with crunched brows.

"You're too quiet with your steps, like a fucking cat. Stop freaking people out"

"Good thing you're not people then"

He rolled his eyes, and Changkyun continued, "so, uhm... can you help me make ramyun?"

"Is it for Hoseok?"

Changkyun nodded, slightly shocked, with a hint of embarrassment sprinkled on his cheeks.

"Then yes, I'll help you"

"R-really?! Ahh thank you Hyung!! You're the best!" Changkyun hugged him excitedly, having expected a cold 'no' as an answer. Kihyun rolled his eyes again, and smirked.

 

* * *

 

 

Hoseok lifted his shirt, wiping the beads of sweat trickling down his face. He'd been working out for two hours, with no intention of stopping until the pain in his heart had fully subsided.

He'd always been a critic of love, but now love seemed to be a disease. He'd made the conclusion years ago, that he would share all his love with the members, his mom, and Monbebe's. He stopped believing in love, and therefore generalized it so much, that it was easy for him to simply...  _love_.

 

But falling  _in_  love was different. It was  _dangerous_. Falling for someone was like jumping off a cliff, face first, so you see the impact coming. It wasn't like movies, those were all shameless lies. Hoseok knew better, because he'd experienced the stinging pain of your face being smashed into earth as he free fell off the cliff of love. He'd jumped several times, because he had trust. But he knew better now, and he swore he wouldn't jump. Even if he did trust Changkyun.

 

 _Changkyun_...

 

He didn't understand why his heart ached every time Changkyun's lips flashed before his eyes. He didn't understand why everything angered him, why Changkyun's face had become a plague to be avoided.

That beautiful, smiling face, and those dimpled cheeks. How could something so pretty ever plague him so? He felt anger and confusion, and he wished he'd never felt the warmth and sweetness of Changkyun's lips. Those sharp lips like daggers, piercing his heart, making him bleed. Because Hoseok wanted to love him. He wanted to feel him. He wanted to protect him, yet he needed protection himself.

He knew it as a fact in his mind, that Changkyun didn't love him. He knew it as a fact of mind, yet his heart said otherwise, but what would a heart know? His heart has always led him to lies and pain in the past, and it would lead him again.

The past... That's right. His  _past_  was to blame. The people who'd tricked him with the facade of love were to blame. His heart was like snow. Pure, yet easily blackened. Easily defiled and used. Easily melted by even the slightest warmth.

He heard someone's echo pull him out of his thoughts. He heard it, and wanted to ignore it, until it got louder.

 

"Hoseok!"

 

Hoseok faded back into reality, seeing Shownu seated at the workout bench beside him.

"Your arms will burst if you go any faster" his voice soft with worry. Hoseok hadn't realized how long, or fast, he was lifting those weights. He saw nothing but black before his name was called, and that petrified him.

"Oh"

"Oh?" Shownu mimicked. "What's going on with you?"

Hoseok scoffed. His eyes glistening as he avoided the leaders strong gaze.

"You guys messed everything up, that's what's going on"

 

_Stop_

 

"We didn't do anything. If you keep acting like this, I'll get angry"

"You don't  _know_  how to get angry" Hoseok said, his voice low and icy.

Shownu dismissed the taunt. "Hoseok... you're living in a delusion. We're just trying to help you out"

"By humiliating me in front of everyone? In front of every Monbebe? I thought you said you understood, but you don't understand  _shit_ " he raised his voice, and felt his heart pang.

 

 _Stop_...

 

"Don't talk to me like that" Shownu sighed, his voice deep, but firm, holding back anger.

"You lied to me"

"Because you're being a child"

Hoseok's nostrils flared, clenching his teeth and fists. "You don't understand" he growled, almost inaudibly.

"I do understand, but you're so lost in your past, you can't see what's in front--"

"Don't you  _dare_  bring up my past" the younger cut him off, his shout spreading across the gym like wildfire, the pangs escalating.

 

_Stop It_

 

"I will bring up your past, because it's the problem. This isn't you, Hoseok"

"I said..." Hoseok jeered through gritted teeth, his heart beating loudly, "do NOT fucking bring up my past!" He finally snapped, swinging his leg and arm over the bench, his fist meeting Shownu's cheek in a blink.

 

**_STOP_ **

 

The moment his knuckles met Shownu's fleshy cheek, he felt the intensity of the blow reach the deepest caverns of his heart. Time seemed to pass through water as Hoseok watched Shownu's face turn by the force of his fist. He wanted to pull back, but it was too late. He wanted to run away, hide in a dark corner of solitude until the world ceased to exist, but he was still there, with fist on cheek.

He breathed heavily, his fist falling back beside him. He opened his mouth, "I--", but silence fell over him as a loud smack echoed through the gym. It took him a few seconds to realize that the sound was made by a slap of Shownu's palm against his face.

The stinging pain burned his cheek, and tears rained down. His knees buckled, and he fell to the cold floor on all fours, hot tears pooling below him, his fists gripping his hair.

"I'm sorry..." He hiccupped, choking on tears, "I'm so sorry"

Hoseok wanted to disappear, drown in the ocean of his own tears. He wanted his body engulfed by the cold waves of a lonely sea, but instead he was engulfed by warmth. His tears fell harder when he realized Shownu's arms held him, close and tight, as if holding him together.

"I'm... so sorry, Shownu hyung... I'm so.." His voice was weak, and he was sure he'd soaked Shownu's shoulder by now. But the tears wouldn't stop.

"It's okay"

"I-it's not okay... nothing is okay... I disrespected you..." His voice threatened breaking, his body shaking under Shownu's strong hold. He buried his forehead in Shownu's shoulder, finding the warm darkness somewhat soothing.

"No, it is okay. I'm not angry, and I do understand, Hoseokkie.. you need to talk about this. You're not alone... so why are you suffering on your own?" Shownu almost whispered in his ear, and Hoseok felt his clenched muscles easing.

"You guys have enough to worry about..." He said, and Shownu gently pushed him back by the shoulders, still holding them. "We're family... if we're not gunna be there for each other, who will?" The leaders eyes searched Hoseok's wet orbs, "what are you so afraid of that you're hiding?"

The younger stared at his feet, playing with the hem of his shirt. What was he afraid of? He wasn't sure. He didn't want to be afraid, that much he knew. But he  _did_  want to hide.

"Love" he whispered, and Shownu shook his head, smiling softly.

"No. Not love... you fear yourself. You fear..." Shownu's voice trailed, afraid to bring up the word again.

"My past" Hoseok finished, and Shownu's face smiled. He felt relieved, although slightly, that Hoseok finally accepted this fact.

 

  __

* * *

Changkyun buzzed frantically around the kitchen, as Kihyun made refuge on a chair, slightly fearing for his life. Changkyun was on beast mode, and everything was flying everywhere.

It was almost 11pm now, and Changkyun had burned four pieces of meat, burst an egg, and had already tossed one batch of ramyun due to the unbelievable amount of spices he'd dumped in.

Kihyun sighed with exhaustion. He'd given up on the maknae, and was sitting there just to make sure he didn't burn the kitchen down, which he already almost did.

 

"Changkyun" Kihyun called, but was ignored. Changkyun was engrossed in cooking as if it was his life.

"Changkyun-ie!" He raised his voice, but the maknae continued to cut bright orange carrots with vigor. Kihyun was positive he would cut himself, but what's one more cut when all 10 fingers and a toe already have Band-Aids on them?

Kihyun's vein began to pop at being so shamelessly ignored. He wondered why he agreed to this mess to begin with. He wondered why he was torturing himself.

Oh, right. He remembered why. He was sick of the constant love battle between the maknae and Hoseok. Also, Changkyun would totally end up killing himself if it weren't for Kihyun's watchful eye. He groaned heavily, massaging his temples.

"IM CHANGKYUN!"

 

Changkyun shook like a leaf, shoulders hunched from the sudden fright of the shrill sound. His wide eyes fixated on Kihyun's annoyed ones, he stood frozen, like a stray cat with light shined on it in the dead of night.

"Your fucking water is boiling over" Kihyun hissed, and Changkyun rushed to the stove, cursing fucks under his breath.

"Where's half our hyung line... really, it's been hours" Kihyun mumbled to himself. Changkyun hummed in response, half ignoring his annoyed hyung.

Kihyun perked as he heard the front door click open. He wanted to get up and see if it was Shownu or Hoseok, or both, but feared slipping and breaking his perfectly sharp nose if he tried to step down. The amount of food littered on the floor was ridiculous, and Kihyun felt a headache creep just by thinking about clean up.

He turned in his chair, hearing a knock on the kitchen doorframe. It was Shownu. He seemed relaxed, and Kihyun smiled, then gasped under his breath at the sight of Shownu's bruised cheek.

' _WHAT HAPPENED_ ' he mouthed a scream, pointing at his own cheek. Shownu touched the bruise gently, quickly mouthing a 'later'.

 

' _Where's Hyung?_ ' Kihyun's lips moved again, and Shownu pointed towards the living room with his face. Kihyun nodded.

 

 _'What's he doing_?' Shownu mouthed back, and Kihyun groaned, waving a dismissing hand, indicating he'll explain later as well. Shownu nodded lightly, and walked away.

Kihyun waited for Hoseok to walk by, but only saw Hyungwon dragging his sleepy self to his room. He probably decided to relocate after Hoseok showed up, Kihyun decided.

 

"Changkyun" Kihyun called again, and this time the younger turned, still stirring the ramyun. "He's here" he said in a soft voice, and Changkyun felt his heart flutter.

 

* * *

 

 

It took another half hour for Kihyun to completely clean the kitchen, and for the younger to complete Hoseok's ramyun. He made sure everything was perfect, from taste to decoration. He'd even made a little bunny from imitation crab and cleaned the edges of the plate. He let out a satisfactory hum, and grabbed his phone.

"It looks good" Kihyun whispered, careful their voices wouldn't leave the kitchen. He pat the younger's back, and smiled encouragingly. "Go get him"

Kihyun left Changkyun with a fast heart and red ears. He felt his breath hitch, and his muscles clench as nervousness escalated, filling every centimeter, from toes to fingertips. He took several deep breaths with closed eyes, then his eyes shot open. He grabbed the bowl of ramyun and his phone with a determined look.

 

* * *

 

 

Kihyun opened Shownu's bedroom door, seeing the leader shirtless and in his pajamas already. He silently walked over, inspecting the bruise. His finger grazed over the purple blotch ever so slightly, and hummed.

"Hoseok did this?"

"He punched me" Shownu shrugged. "I slapped him though"

"Good"

Kihyun pushed Shownu by the shoulders, making him sit down on the bed. He leaned in to get a closer look at the bruise, when he felt Shownu's hand tracing his jaw line.

"Hoseok made me realize something" the older said, turning Kihyun's face until their eyes locked. "I shouldn't hide"

Drowning in the others gaze, they both leaned closer, as if it were understood. Their lips pressed against the others, as if it were the most natural thing to do. They kissed, and spoke silent words to each other, because nothing more was needed.

 

* * *

 

 

Hoseok scrolled through Twitter, his slapped cheek resting against his palm. He sighed, feeling his stomach rumble, but with no motivation to find food. He leaned back against the couch with closed eyes, plopping his phone on his stomach, wanting to sleep and forget everything.

His eyes flung open by the smell of food filling his nostrils. Before him was a huge bowl of ramyun with restaurant quality perfection. Hoseok's confused eyes darted between the bowl and Changkyun.

"Is this... "

"It's for you" Changkyun completed, voice tired, but nervous. He plopped himself next to Hoseok, and reached for his phone. Hoseok's lips curved into a bright smile for the first time since the concert. He grabbed the chopsticks, and attacked the mouth-watering food with robustness.

"Ah! This-- this is so good! Changkyunnie, did you make th-..." Hoseok exclaimed, turning to see Changkyun fast asleep with parted lips and head leaning uncomfortably on his own shoulder. Hoseok smiled warmly, and finished his ramyun with a light heart.

 

* * *

 

It was 5am, and Hyungwon stirred from his sleep no thanks to an incredibly full bladder. He crawled out of bed, pressing his thighs together to avoid an accident. He  _really_  regretted drinking so much soy milk during their ride home.

He ran to the bathroom, but leaned back before closing the door. The living room light was still on, and he could see a pair of feet stretched on the floor. He tip toed to the room, squinting at the bright light, but his full lips crept a smile. Changkyun had his feet up on the couch, his legs leaning against Hoseok's lap. The younger's head was nuzzled in Hoseok's neck, whose cheek was pressed against Changkyun's head.

"So he did it" Hyungwon whispered proudly, smiling with relief. He grabbed a spare blanket from the closet, and covered the two boys with its warmth. He stood there basking in the sweet scene, when pain stabbed his overly-full bladder, and rushed to the bathroom once again, after turning off the living room lights.

 

* * *

 

Changkyun woke up the next morning with the harsh sun shining in his eyes.

He heard his name being called, it sounded like Jooheon. Then he heard it again, and it was Minhyuk. He squirmed under the blanket, with the two hyungs on either side of him.

"So, you did it?! You two are an item now?" Minhyuk jumped excitedly.

 

"What are you--" Changkyun started with a gravelly voice, having forgotten the purpose of last night. He squinted his entire face, yawning, and stretching without much care, until he jolted awake. His eyes shot open and he cried out, burying his face in Jooheon's stomach, as if trying to hide from the world.

He whined, as Jooheon and Minhyuk exchanged looks. The maknae continued whining in mumbles, punching Jooheon's thighs continuously, and kicking Minhyuk's stomach on the other side of the sofa.

"Hey! Hey!!! What happened? Hyungwon saw you two all cuddled up last night so we---" Jooheon began but was shushed with two fingers squishing his lips together.

"Shhhh!!!! He'll hear you!"

"Calm down Kyun. Hoseok left early this morning" Minhyuk explained, holding Changkyun's feisty legs in a death lock.

"I totally screwed up, I fell asleep. I didn't even get to ask if he liked it! I didn't even show him the reference video!" Changkyun cried in a high pitched, wailing tone.

"Reference video?" The other two asked.

"It doesn't matter anymore. I failed" Changkyun pouted, waving a hand dismissively.

"You know... you can do the same thing today when he comes home. It's not like it's the end of the world" Minhyuk stated, and Changkyun's face lit up. He sprung up, and hurriedly made his way to the bathroom, peaking out to his two band mates before shutting the door.

"When?"

"Two hours!" They both yelled back, smiling.

 

* * *

 

Changkyun showered, and applied some light makeup- not that he needed it. He had changed his clothes to something attractive, which in his mind was a silk black button down, tucked into ripped, black skinny jeans. He wore his dangly earrings, knowing Hoseok liked them, and a long necklace, so it would dangle against Hoseok's chest if he leaned over him. Just in case things heated up.

He heard the front door click open and immediately hid behind the table, with the prepared bowl of ramyun in his hands. He'd spent so long making it yesterday, he didn't need Kihyun's instructing anymore. He'd done everything he could do wrong, yesterday, and was practically an expert now. Besides, he had to know how to make it by himself for this to work.

He heard Hoseok stroll past the kitchen, and into the bathroom. The shower turned on, and a shaky breath escaped Changkyun's trembling lips.

 

He was nervous.

 

 _Extremely_  nervous.

 

Five minutes passed, and Hoseok finally opened the bathroom door, and made his way to the couch. Changkyun quickly warmed up the ramyun one last time, and made his way to the couch with slow, careful steps, and an eager heart.

Hoseok's eyes were closed, and he leaned against the couch cushion. A Déjà vu of last night. Changkyun placed the bowl on the coffee table in front of him, and took a deep breath.

"Eat it" his voice was deep, fingers shaking as he gripped his phone.

"Why... do you keep making me ramyun? Not that I mind" Hoseok eyed Changkyun curiously, feeling his stomach rumble fiercely at the sinfully amazing scent of food.

"Eat first, then I'll tell you"

Hoseok leaned closer to the bowl, and Changkyun seated himself beside the older. He tried to keep his eager eyes off Hoseok, but his beating heart was deafening, and he feared losing sight. He chewed on his nail, too nervous to sit still.

 

_Calm down_

He tried to tell himself, but thoughts clouded with only one thing on his mind.

He had to tell him. He had to tell him now, before his emotions engulfed him whole.

He glanced at Hoseok, noticing he was almost done eating, surprised he'd actually done as Changkyun said.

"I'm done, what's this all about?"

"Did you like it?" He asked in a velvety deep voice, making Hoseok's skin goose bump.

"It was amazing. Seriously the best ramyun I've had" Hoseok's sincere voice pleased Changkyun, easing his heart just a little.

"Better than Kihyun hyung's?" He asked, his voice unusually low. Changkyun bit his bottom lip, and Hoseok felt his mouth go dry.

"Are you kidding me?" Hoseok let out a small laugh, watching the younger frown slightly. "This is way better than Kihyunnie's ramyun. He doesn't put half of my favorite things, but you have everything"

Changkyun beamed, pulled out his phone, and pressed play on the video he had on standby. Hoseok watched the familiar scene from their Clan 2.5 Meet and Greet.

_What is your ideal type?'_

He watched himself reply without a blink. His answer lacking hesitation. He watched his smile through that little phone screen, and wondered what happened, and what this meant. He glanced at the empty bowl of ramyun, then at Changkyun, whose eyes studied Hoseok closely.

' _Gender doesn't matter, as long as they can cook ramyun'_

The video ended, and silence filled the room.

"Why... are you showing me this?" The older asked, his eyes meeting Changkyun's. He felt the fire from the younger's eyes burning a hole into his own. The younger parted his lips to speak, and Hoseok felt the air shift.

"You said your ideal type is someone who can make ramyun"

His solid voice sent a shudder down Hoseok's spine. He nodded, not comprehending where this was going. "Yeah..."

"You said you liked the ramen I just made" Changkyun continued, forcing himself to stop beating the non-existent bush.

"I loved it" he replied, gently nodding. Changkyun took a deep breath, pushing every ounce of hesitation and nervousness away.

"I made this because... I have something to tell you" he waited for Hoseok to respond, but the silence lingered too long. Changkyun gulped audibly, his heart threatening to jump onto Hoseok's lap.

 

"Hoseok... I love you"

 

Hoseok remained quiet, his breath leaving his body as his gaping eyes froze on Changkyun with depth. The younger wanted to look away, but Hoseok's gaze was too strong for him to detach from under this silence.

"I love you" he repeated, smiling a little, feeling a weight lift off his heart. "I love you so much... I have since No Mercy, and it's just grown stronger every day. I... want to be your boyfriend, Hoseok. I want to be your lover"

Hoseok swallowed the lump in this throat. His ears filled with Changkyun's deep voice repeating the words he'd longed to hear, but he couldn't speak. He felt as if his heart was chained, clouded with blackened haze, but his eyes couldn't pry. 

Neither knew how many moment had passed, but Changkyun felt the boulder of doubt returning. His heart being crushed by its overwhelming weight.

The younger leaned forward, his eyes latched onto Hoseok's in some kind of battle. His hand rested on Hoseok's thigh for support, his necklace brushing against Hoseok's milky chest. His shaky breath mingled with Hoseok's, eyes closed, and head turned. Changkyun closed the distance, the soft, wet skin of his lips barely meeting Hoseok's, before he felt a force on his shoulders pushing him away.

"I-I'm sorry... I can't..."

Was the last thing Changkyun heard before he drowned in inferno. He saw Hoseok rush out of the dorm through teary eyes, heart still beating fast. He watched the room cascade around him, crushing his chest, tearing him apart. He felt sick.

He watched Hoseok leave him crying, never turning back.

Hoseok left Changkyun falling off the cliff, face first.

 


	7. Jealousy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME FOREVER.

**7 : Jealousy**

**_"I want to start over now,_ **

**_Please believe in me once more"_ **

 

* * *

 

 

Hoseok fell in love for the first time when he was a naive boy of seven years old. He got the typical butterflies and heart skipping a beat cliché bullshit, and it was beautiful. He was young and didn't know better, so he told his first love how he felt. He remembers his hopeful eyes and carefree smile as she happily beamed, 'I like you too' 

He was on top of the world at 7.

But 7 is a small number. A naive number, and she soon broke his heart for another boy. A cooler boy from a rich family. Hoseok felt the raging fire of jealousy for the first time that day as he watched them stroll in the school park, their chubby little hands stuck to each other. 

It took him three years of his youth to get over her. Because even then he loved too much, held on too much. It took three years for his heart to move on, for cool waters to wash over his jealous fire. 

But he was a fool with a fragile heart. 

When he turned 12, he fell in love again. This time with a pretty boy from his class. He played his cards right that time, and observed the boy from afar. He'd draw cute little nothing's for him, leaving them in his desk when there were no eyes to witness. Hoseok would wait eagerly from his desk on the backside of the classroom, just to see his reaction. But Hoseok was only 12, and he was still young and naive. He didn't know that boys couldn't like other boys. At least not openly. Not yet. 

He watched the boy smile at the cards, and save each and every single one of them in his notebook. He watched and he grew confident with each passing note. He gave the next card to him in person. The boy's soft eyes shifted to disgust, his pretty face becoming uglier by the second. Hoseok was left in tears that day, surrounded by the cards he'd made with love for the boy that just threw them back at his face. He received a scar on his cheek that day from the sharp edged paper of his love notes hitting his face, as well as one on his heart. 

He continued on, giving his heart like charity to every person it beat rapidly for. He gave his heart and it cracked a little more each time. 

But what Hoseok experienced at the age of 16 was no petty heartbreak. He experienced violence for the first time, and it lasted months. He wasn't sure why he loved the man who abused him. He was older and barely attractive. But Hoseok loved loving, and he was fooled by the man's sweet gestures when they first met. Fooled by the pretense of security and hope. 

Dark, heavy rain sputtering about, the moonlight barely reaching anything beyond the thick, grey clouds. Hoseok remembers how the taste of iron from his busted lip mixed with salty tears and the moldy dew from the sheets. He remembers sharp, stinging pain as his fingers curled into the sheets, hoping for someone to save him. For someone to love him. 

He felt the throbbing cold creep deep into his bare skin as he cried the night away in that shitty hotel bed. Alone and afraid. He swore never again. 

Never again. 

Until it happened one last time. He surrendered whatever tiny piece of heart he had left to a girl. She was nice and fun, but Hoseok held back. He was skeptical and afraid. Afraid of the shackles of love. He experienced a much calmer heartbreak when he left her for training. But he'd given up the last bit of his heart, leaving a gaping pit of doubt and regret in its place. 

A pit that grew exponentially, churning the overbearing pain from the past, until it swallowed him whole. There was no exit. No escape from the hurt. There was no light, until he met his new family. Until he met Changkyun.

 

* * *

 

 

Hoseok returned to their dorm late that night. He'd spent his last remaining bits of energy at the gym, pumping weights furiously until the soreness trumped Changkyun's deep echo. 

He was met with darkness when he opened the front door. He assumed everyone to be asleep at 2am, but heard no snoring. 

He sat down on his bed with a sore body and heavy heart. He wondered if Hyungwon was just really quiet tonight, or if the bed was empty. He dismissed the latter, and laid down, until his back crushed something beneath him. He yelped softly, sitting upright as his hand searched for whatever he'd just crushed, until they touched something delightfully soft and wooly. 

He sighed, staring almost blankly at the plush in the moonless dark of night. He touched it softly, carefully, tenderly. The possibility of him making a grave mistake rendered his thoughts, but he was sure his choice was correct. It had to be correct. Yet this overwhelming feeling hung heavy on his chest, and he couldn't shake it. One that cut him open, leaving his wounds exposed to his darkest terrors. He clutched the caramel bunny against his chest, feeling tears break free, when the bedroom door swung open violently. 

 

"What the hell did you do?!" It was Hyungwon, but Hoseok's eyes were in a trance and remained on the bunny. 

 

"Calm down, Hyungwon" he heard Shownu say, his footsteps approaching closer, followed by two, no, three more sets. 

"What did you say to Changkyun?" He heard Jooheon from farther away, finally looking up to meet the members spectrum of expressions upon hearing Changkyun's name. 

Fear, anger, concern. A spectrum that beat Hoseok into anxiety. His voice choked, he was almost inaudible, "What are you guys--" 

"Don't play dumb. We know you hurt Changkyun, and now he's gone" Minhyuk scolded from beside Shownu. 

"He's--wait, what? Gone where??" Hoseok's voice trembled, and that overbearing heaviness finally seized his heart.

"We don't know. We spent three hours looking for him, but he's nowhere" Shownu replied calmly, which seemed to effect the others to some degree. 

 

"I- " Hoseok was cut off. 

 

"What the fuck did you say to him?!" Minhyuk yelled, stepping closer to his hyung. 

For the first time, Hoseok feared his members. His family. His life. He couldn't bare the mere thought of Changkyun getting hurt. He wanted nothing more than to protect the boy, yet the staggering pain in his chest skyrocketed. 

Minhyuk opened his mouth and Hoseok could feel the venom his words had soaked in. "Kihyun is still looking for him. It's the middle of the night and he's literally nowhere, and you know what, it's _your_ fault" 

Perhaps he feared Minhyuk the most. He was brutally honest, his emotions charged to high velocities at times like this. 

But of course, nothing quite like this has happened before, and no one could have been prepared.

"Why did you reject him? Do you realize how much he loves you? He literally got yelled at for your sake, and this is how you repay him?" Hyungwon almost scoffed, and Hoseok met his eyes with confusion. "What... what're you talking about?"

"Paris concert. He handled the manager's heat alone just so you could be comfortable on stage and not have to expose your body" Hyungwon explained.

Minhyuk nodded, "I overheard it too. It was really bad"

The atmosphere shifted, growing tense, humid, strained. Hoseok was too shocked to cry, too confused to think, but he knew he messed up. He messed up and now he lost Changkyun maybe forever. Jooheon sat beside him with a softness on his face as he gently patted Hoseok on the shoulder. "Hoseok hyung... If I had someone who loved me that much, I would never let them go"

He didn't think. He simply ran. Pushing through the anger and doubts of the members, he ran outside and past Kihyun in a passing moment, not caring if he had found him or not, because he had to do it himself.

"Hyung!"

He heard Kihyun yell after him through ringing ears. He didn't stop.

"The park! he's at the park" Kihyun panted as Hoseok's shadow faded between dim street lights.

 

* * *

 

 

Kihyun opened the front door to find the remaining members scattered about. Minhyuk and Jooheon paced the living room, Hyungwon was found on the couch, his head buried in his hands, and Shownu was out of sight.

No one spoke, because the look on Kihyun's face said everything. He walked by, and found himself in Shownu's comforting presence behind closed doors. A look was all that was needed, because Shownu knew it was alright. Kihyun's expression had a calmness to it, yet something unsettling. Perhaps confusion, maybe dread, mixed with a tinge of shock, but something had put him off.

Kihyun sat beside the leader and Shownu pulled him closer until his head rested on broad shoulders.

"What'd he say?"

Kihyun sighed, unsure of what had happened. "He apologized to me"

"That's it?"

"Yeah." Kihyun found himself stuck with something as simple as an apology. Except it wasn't simple at all. He saw something in the maknae's eyes. Something new, that he hadn't faced before. Something dark, no short of piercing pain.

He bit the inside of his cheek, and Shownu rubbed his arm, planting a reassuring kiss on the crown of Kihyun's head. "It'll be okay"

"I don't know. Maybe?" Kihyun shook his head, replaying the words in his mind, that deep voice cutting through everything, as brown eyes sewed shut something resolute. It scared Kihyun. "You didn't see him. There was.. I don't know, something scary, almost. He's okay, but he's not... you know"

Shownu nodded gently.

"I'll handle it, don't worry"

And Kihyun knew he would. He was the leader, after all, and every bullshit problem always dragged on Shownu's shoulders, bearing down on him as he pulled the weight of all six behind him. But it wasn't all that bad. It wasn't that heavy.

"I know you will, but you also know I'm going to be there too"

Because of _him_.

Because he dealt with everything Shownu couldn't.  He wasn't alone at all. He had Kihyun.

"I know" lips smiling gently, Shownu whispered against Kihyun's temple.

It would be okay. No matter what happens, it would be okay.

 

* * *

 

 

Hoseok had lost track of time. Space seemed to be a non-existent blur as he cut through the dead streets of 3AM, passing by monstrous shadows of lifeless trees, leafless branches reaching for him in every angle under the intolerable beauty of that moon.

His knees wanted to buckle, chest heaving, sweat dripping even in the bitter cold of winter. But he kept running, a ghost to everything around him because nothing else mattered. Street lights, traffic signals, people. He heard a car honk at some point and someone yell curses, but he didn't care. Even if he got hit at this point, even if his heart bled out, he would find him. He would tell him.

It came in sight, and Hoseok stopped. He was close behind, but far enough.

On a lonely swing he swayed gently, his hooded head hung low. He looked small, as if he had caved in on himself. A shadowy blur. Overlooked, almost invisible.

Small, soft steps. That's what this would take. To start over from zero.

 

"Hey"

 

Changkyun didn't turn. Snow gently escaped the dark sky, almost an unbearably slow pace, like Hoseok's steps.

He reached for the maknae's shoulder, a slight tremor stopping his fingers inches away.

"Changkyun.."

 

"I'm fine. Let's go home"

 

Hoseok felt his body chill. Wounds cutting open from Changkyun's voice, he bled tears as the younger walked away, never once looking back. A shadow, he followed behind through dead streets and the whisper of snowfall. Neither spoke, Hoseok cried, and Changkyun grit his teeth.

 

* * *

 

 

Changkyun's dead eyes battled to see the dark ceiling above him. His expression blank, he lay awake with too many thoughts to handle. His body ached. His eyes turning red as he held back a stampede of blocked emotions.

Betrayal, perhaps, is what he felt. Maybe his expectations were too high, he wasn't sure. He was cut open, exposed, drowning in a reality that would never be the same again. In a reality that sucked the oxygen right out of his lungs, leaving him gasping for air.

He was having a panic attack. A terror he hadn't felt since _that_ time. He remembered the lonely nights he quietly cried through. The days he suffered with a heavy dose of rejection. Never did he imagine that pain to find him again.

He clutched the bunny beside his pillow, perhaps too hard, spiking it to the ground. It rolled underneath the neighboring bed, and Changkyun felt alone.

Silent tears escaped, and he pulled at his caramel locks in overbearing anguish, thrashing himself about his cold bed. He wanted to scream. He wanted to be held. He crawled down, not caring if he woke anyone. He found the toy and suffocated it against his chest. He felt pathetic as he kneeled helplessly on the floor between beds. Crying like a child, hugging a stuffed animal. Completely pathetic, he thought.

Was he dreaming? 

_No._

Arms wrapped around him. They weren't Hoseok's, but the warmth invited him further and he nuzzled into a chest he believed to be Minhyuk's. He sobbed loudly, not giving a shit anymore because it hurt too fucking much. Maybe he was dying, he thought. Maybe his heart really did split in several irreparable pieces.

He felt two more pairs of hands pat his back, and he knew his entire room was awake. He wasn't alone, but the pain had chewed him up and spit him out in a trench of knives. They silently held him, but he never loosened his grip on the bunny.

 

He never let go. And neither did they.

 

* * *

 

 

Morning came and the members felt a heaviness in the air. Changkyun was already up, showered and ready to go. He hid his emotions behind an impenetrable veil, and Hoseok felt a shiver snake down his spine when he saw the maknae that morning. He was ignored, continuously.

"Don't forget that we've got a special Christmas show in a few hours, so please... you two try to act normal" Kihyun's voice was stern, but warm. Shownu stood behind him, observing the two from afar. Kihyun walked by him and into the living room. The dorm was quiet. Too quiet. It was disconcerting. Everyone was afraid to act normal, too unsure of what bomb might explode next.

"They'll need time Kihyunnie" Shownu followed behind Kihyun.

Kihyun stopped. Sighed, and turned swiftly on a heel to face the man. "I know, but we can't have this go public. It'll be labeled as a scandal, and those two will have even lower chances of ever getting together"

Shownu blinked. True, they couldn't risk hints of any issues. Cameras caught everything, and nothing escaped the eyes of speculating netizens.

Kihyun sat down beside Hyungwon, who was awkwardly fidgeting his fingers. Minhyuk seemed to either be asleep with open eyes, or he was just lost in thoughts while staring at an empty wall. Hoseok had presumably gone to the gym, and Jooheon found himself debating a few steps beside the kitchen door.

He stepped into the kitchen, cautiously. Changkyun was too concentrated on frying an egg to realize someone had entered his vicinity. Jooheon stood beside him, flinging an arm over the maknae's shoulder.

 

"Hey"

 

"Hey" Changkyun replied softly.

"You feeling better?"

"Sure"

Jooheon chewed his bottom lip as he studied the younger. "You wanna talk?"

Changkyun shrugged. "I'm fine"

He didn't mean to, but Jooheon laughed a little. "You're not, Changkyunnie, and that's okay"

They heard footsteps swing past the kitchen entrance, and a door click close for just a few seconds, then click open again. it was probably Shownu judging by the heaviness of the steps.

The younger turned to face Jooheon, his brows crunched a little. "I know, I just don't have anything to say. I'm fine"

"You weren't fine last night. No one would be fine after being rejected like that Changkyun and I'm sorry if I'm overstepping... but, you need to talk about this"

He remained silent. He poked at the egg still in the pan. The edges sizzled, turning a black as they burned over the high heat.

"Have you ever felt just so fucking betrayed?" He finally spoke, startling Jooheon just slightly.

"Betrayed... broken. As if you've been stomped all over. It just, it hurts so much" his voiced cracked a little, and he finally turned off the heat. "Have you ever felt like you were pushed off a cliff.. and as you fell, the gravity just pulled at you so unbearably strong, like it would be on Jupiter or something, that it crushed you entirely? But when your body hit the hard rock below, you didn't die. You just lay there. Awake, in pain, unable to breathe. Have you felt that, hyung?" He turned to face Jooheon with stone cold eyes. Just the faintest gloss painted over those sad brown eyes, but a fierceness glistened deep inside.

This time Jooheon was silent. No words he could say would help Changkyun feel better, and so he simply rubbed his back with comforting circles.

"I really love him. A part of me needs him like oxygen. The other wants him so bad" He chuckled, shaking his head with a brittle smile. "It's so cliché"

"You should write a song about it"

Changkyun laughed. Even if it was for a moment. Their laughter carried through to the living room, and the atmosphere lightened. Minhyuk snapped out from his stare-contest with the wall, and leaned forward to peak into the hallway. He made eye contact with Hoseok, who had come home five minutes ago. He had frozen just inches away from the kitchen, and Minhyuk saw wetness roll down his cheeks. He seemed paralyzed. In an instant Minhyuk was grabbing him into the closest bedroom, quietly closing the door behind them.

"Hyung" Minhyuk pulled the shaking man into a hug. Hoseok shivered, his breathing uneven and heavy."Just breathe, it'll be okay"

"It won't, I- I messed up so bad, I can't-" He hiccupped between words, choking on tears.

Minhyuk felt his shoulder soak. He held him closer, knowing that his mere presence was a calming agent for Hoseok. 

Oh, how he felt terrible. Seeing two people who so obviously love each other fall into misconceptions. But it wasn't his place to play matchmaker, and he knew that all too well. All he could do now was lend a shoulder to cry on and a warmth to rely on.

"You know... if I was in your situation, I'd ask myself if I can live without him. Maybe that can help you figure this out"

Hoseok pulled away. His body swaying a little as he backed away. "I know I can't live without him, but I can't risk it. He means too much to me, I can't risk.. things happening again" He plopped himself on the closest bed, which happened to be his.

Minhyuk sat beside him, noticing the Changkyun bunny near the window. He grabbed it, and held it towards Hoseok. "Sometimes love is worth the risk"

 

* * *

 

 

Anyone who saw the show could see it. Hoseok and Changkyun painted the picture with bright colors of painful awkwardness and resent. Changkyun maybe uttered a word or two at most towards Hoseok, who actually attempted to inch closer to the boy every now and then.

He was shut down, repeatedly, and Changkyun faded farther away from him. He watched as the younger's hand rested on Shownu's thigh, as he leaned against the leader, leaving Hoseok alone in a corner with the saddest expression to ever exist.

Yet still he smiled, as if he was okay. His eyes glossed, but he remained hopeful, he ignored the flirtatious behavior the younger flooded the leader in particular. Yet he was still ignorant to his surroundings, unable to see past the smog his demons exhaled as they whispered negative nothings in his mind.

Changkyun made sure to keep his distance. When the show ended, he treated Hoseok like a ghost. A non-existent being that had no effect, that didn't matter. At least that's how Hoseok felt every time the younger walked by without an ounce of care. He cut through his space like a firing negative charge, darting around just to avoid another negative charge. Hoseok tried to call out to him at some point, but Changkyun had already turned the corner and was out of sight.

Kihyun was caught amidst the two. He watched Hoseok walk towards the van with small steps, taking a seat as far as possible from Changkyun.

Kihyun rubbed his temples, groaning from lack of sleep and worry, "I swear it's either the freaking hunger games or the cold war, there's no in between with these two"

Hyungwon pat Kihyun's back, a tired smile on his face as he walked towards the van.

 

* * *

 

On the drive back, Hoseok flooded his ears with music. He indulged in the ache as he allowed his body to soak in Changkyun's voice, his mind battling between lyrics and thought.

 

'I will be by your side so you won't be alone'

_But I am alone_

'I'm at the edge of a cliff sometimes'

_I want to jump off_

'Due to thoughts that became deep'

_I'm sorry Changkyun_

_I want you by my side, because.._

_I--_

Too lost in words spoken by a voice he cherished, he didn't notice the tears that managed to run away, or the hand that held his own.

It was Hyungwon's, but he didn't look. He simply grasped his phone and listened to the words on repeat with closed eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

Everyone found themselves in the living room again. Everyone besides Hoseok and Changkyun. Hoseok was in the shower, and Changkyun in his room. Minhyuk scrolled through twitter, groaning loudly.

"They noticed" he cried, throwing his head on Jooheon's shoulder.

"Who the hell wouldn't. They couldn't have been more obvious" Kihyun said as he searched the couch for his own phone.

"I mean, I get it. It's hard to act normal when something like this happens but we don't have the luxury to show every emotion on camera" Hyungwon sighed, swiveling in circles on the black office chair.

"I get it too. I really do, but.. I dunno. I don't get it either" Kihyun stretched himself, fingers rubbing his temples again. His head was pounding, throbbing, pulsating with tension. Shownu sneaked an arm around his waist, and pulled Kihyun close until back leaned on chest.

 

"Hm." Hyungwon smirked, "when did _this_ happen?" he eyed the two, his finger pointing from Kihyun to Shownu, then back.

 

Minhyuk and Jooheon turned to the two in question, and a grin curved both their lips, with embarrassing sounds escaping in between.

Kihyun blushed, trying to pull away from Shownu a little. But he was tired and his head hurt, and Shownu held him in place like concrete, pulling him just a little closer with a cute smile.

"Like, three days ago? The night we got back" the leader sounded proud. Genuinely happy. His smile widened when Kihyun hid his burning face with a cute frown in Shownu's chest. "I think Hoseok is out of the shower now. You should go first, it'll help your headache" Shownu said, nudging Kihyun a little. He grunted, but complied.

Kihyun left, and Hoseok took his place on the couch. His eyes were swollen, his expression exhausted. The five of them sat mostly in silence, with just minor small talk darting across the room every now and then.

Maybe ten minutes had gone by, or twenty. Hoseok wasn't too sure when Changkyun sat himself on the other side of Shownu, but his arm had slung across the leaders torso, head resting on his shoulder.

He couldn't take his eyes off, and a hint of jealousy flamed inside. Changkyun's fingers traced up from Shownu's chest, to his jaw line, then...

 

_What the hell are you doing Changkyun.._

 

Hoseok's throat dried. 

 

Changkyun turned Shownu's face, his eyes meeting Hoseok's in a passing instant as his lips smushed into Shownu's. Hoseok felt rage firing deep inside, he could feel everyone's piercing eyes chewing through him and right to the lip lock beside him. It lasted a second, maybe less, before Shownu pushed the maknae off him, abruptly standing up as he frantically wiped his lips, only to notice Kihyun at the doorway, towel in hand and eyes shot with anger.

Kihyun scoffed, "so that's why". He grabbed his phone, hands trembling just slightly, avoiding everyone as he walked out of the room. Shownu followed behind him, calling his name repeatedly. The bathroom door slammed shut, then a bedroom door clicked softly to a close. 

Minhyuk, Jooheon, and Hyungwon exchanged looks. Jooheon nodded, and the three left the dorm.

All that was left was fire. The crackling silence between Changkyun and Hoseok, whose fists clenched at the leather of the couch.

Changkyun moved a little, lifting himself off the couch.

 

_Stop this_

 

He trailed across the living room, only a few steps away from the hallway.

 

_Stop running away_

 

Hoseok grabbed his wrists. Too tight.  Changkyun's fragile skin reddened underneath.

"What the hell was that Changkyun" Hoseok spoke bitterly, his voice dripping with jealousy.

"Why do you care" Changkyun tried to break Hoseok's grip, only for it to tighten. "Oh, that's right, you don't"

Hoseok's nostrils flared, his eyes burning. He was shattered. Breaking into the pieces he knew he would. "Stop this Changkyun, please, I know you're just trying to taunt me"

"Me? Me, you want me to stop? And why should I? For you?" Changkyun curled into himself. His emotions coursing through his body with the violence of the rapids. His cheeks were stained with hot tears, eyes reddening, his very resolve shattering between their feet. 

"You don't know anything, Changkyun" Hoseok said softly, loosening his grip. Changkyun snatched his wrist away, gulping down words that could make someone bleed. Hoseok watched the boy come undone.

 

_I was wrong..._

 

Changkyun wiped his tears only for more to escape. He was a hiccupping mess, his voice cracking, raspy, unshielded, "I know, I'm not stupid, I know you're afraid, I know what can happen but, but that, that is _not_ a fucking excuse"

 

_I'm not the one whose breaking_

 

"I know you've been hurt, I've been through shit too in my past, but that doesn't mean you can betray me like this, do you know how I felt when you walked away?" Changkyun was panting. Brows scrunched between anger and sadness, he searched Hoseok for anything and everything. 

 

_...You are._

 

"Do you even know?...Hoseok! Stop staring at me and say something for once!" 

Hoseok's eyes softened. "I do know... and I'm so sorry. I know what you're feeling and I never meant to hurt you Kyun"

"I'm really sorry" he repeated, and Changkyun backed away, head shaking with pressed lips. "Changkyun" he almost whispered, stepping closer, small hands pushing him away, harder each time.

 

"No, get away from me, just stop hurting me already"

 

"You really hurt me when you kissed Shownu"

Their eyes met. Hoseok stopped. "Why do you care who I kiss?" Changkyun spat too quickly. The deep voice Hoseok loved so dearly was suffocating him. He sighed, gulping the mistakes he could be making before they could surface. 

 

"I do care" Hoseok said, and Changkyun's eyes met his. "I don't know if it's too late, or if it's even okay anymore... but," he paused, fingers twiddling anxiously at his sides, he noticed Changkyun's clenched fists easing, shaking, both holding their breath. "I love you"

 

The words crashed inside Changkyun's ears, his heart falling apart and fixing itself all at once. Salty tears streamed down his face, pooling between his feet, he felt every last bit of energy radiate away from him in pure relief. He fell to his knees, oversized sleeves covering his face as his choked sobs echoed across the room.

He felt arms wrap around him, and it was Hoseok this time. He felt a hand in his hair, and another around his shoulders, the warmth of Hoseok's cheek against his, the wetness of his tears sticking to his hair. He succumbed entirely to the longing warmth, throwing his head back against Hoseok's arm and crying waterfalls, "you idiot!"

Hoseok tightened his grip, and Changkyun gave entrance, letting Hoseok straddle him.

"Stupid!" Changkyun punched Hoseok's chest again. 

"I love you" Hoseok whispered against his ear, repeating it for every time he missed the chance to say it out loud. Shaky hands held him back, so softly they were barely there. Changkyun hid his face in Hoseok's shoulder, fingers tightening, turning white, afraid Hoseok will turn away and leave again.

Hoseok's hand gently held Changkyun's face, pulling him away from the darkness of his shoulder, forcing them to look at the other. 

His thumb swiped below his eyes, those beautiful brown eyes that flooded so. Hoseok pulled their foreheads together, and Changkyun inhaled sharply through parted lips. The universe swirled in Changkyun's eyes, and Hoseok wanted to get lost, to feel every drop of the younger's love. He pulled Changkyun closer, their noses brushing, hearts pounding, breath mingling, until soft lips met in an explosion of fireworks. 

Changkyun pressed deeper, wanting to hear every unspoken secret through Hoseok's plush lips. Fingers tangling in Hoseok's hair with aching want, their world spun, becoming transparent with every passing second. Pulling away, breathing heavy, Changkyun's soft eyes spilled into Hoseok's with a bright smile. "I love you too" 


	8. Agape

**8 : Agape**

**"You can start**

**Love again from me"**

* * *

 

Kihyun swirled in his own reflection until he lost direction. The steam covered mirror blurring his face, blank eyes staring back into themselves as if he couldn't recognize who he was. He sighed, wrapped a towel around his waist, and left the confines of the bathroom.

The living room light was still on, maybe Changkyun and Hoseok were still there, but he didn't care.

He opened the door to Shownu's room and locked it behind him. Shownu had been laying down, but his head turned and he was upright in an instant as soon as he saw Kihyun enter the room.

"Kihyun", he gasped, moving to stand up, but he was immobilized. Legs straddled, Kihyun's thighs confined him on either side of his hips. He was hovering over him, fist grabbing at his shirt with starving anger as sharp eyes screamed into Shownu's.

Their noses brushed, eyes locking with flames, and Kihyun saw his reflection again. The pain, the fear and the fire... the jealousy, the desire all clashing at once in one big bang inside Shownu's brown eyes.

"Kihy--", Shownu gasped but his lips were sewed shut, hands trapping his face, lips kissing him savagely. Numbing Shownu's senses, mouth engulfing Shownu's breath as his tongue snaked along the edge of his lips. 

He pulled Shownu's bottom lip between his teeth, and Shownu's breath caught. It was too hot and neither could contain their racing hearts.

Shownu's hands left their clutch on the bed sheet to trace down Kihyun's sides, pulling at his towel with unsure tugs.

But Kihyun's fingers pulled at his soft hair, crotch pushing against Shownu's like music coursing through water. Mouths misting, tongues blurring reality, towel undone between Shownu's feet.

 

* * *

 

 

_"I love you too"_

 

The words replayed symphonies.

They found themselves leaning on the other, still enclosed in each other's arms. 

Neither had moved. Changkyun's legs were still tangled between Hoseok's thighs, back against the wall, Hoseok's face buried in the crevices of his shoulder.

They heard the bathroom door open, but neither budged. Another door opened, then closed softly, but they were too lost in the rhythm of their hearts.

Changkyun's tears never ceased. He hiccupped with a palm covering his eyes, Hoseok's shirt now damp. And Hoseok didn't say anything else. He simply held him, feeling his body shake faintly against his secure hold.

 

"I love you" 

He cried harder and Hoseok wasn't sure if he was anguished or happy, despite the momentary smile. His arms tightened around Changkyun's waist and he lifted both their bodies effortlessly, but never parting. The younger's grip tightened around his neck, legs instinctively wrapping around Hoseok's hips like before.

His eyes remained pressed, but his body was floating, being carried through clouds and sunsets, the sunlight kissing his wet cheek, fixing every broken piece with intricate care.

He was resting on clouds, and he felt warmth flush every inch of him. His covered eyes were found, and the brightness of Hoseok's smile showered him.

Hoseok lay beside him, an arm still around his waist, an innocently foolish smile on his lips. He pushed his fingers across Changkyun's bangs, holding his caramel strands to press a kiss on his forehead. It was soft. Heartbreakingly loving. And Changkyun cried still.

But fixing something so deeply shattered took more turns of the clock than one night held. And Changkyun was broken, trapped in anxiety that distorted his reality because the reparation was too blissfully painful to endure with sanity.

But Hoseok mended him with every touch, every whisper, every look. He broke him. Crushed his heart so ruthlessly that he could feel the cracks against the pads of his fingers with every caress. Now he searched for even the tiniest of pieces that had scattered to the darkest of places unknown.

He felt Changkyun's hands find him again as arms stretched across his back, pulling him unbearably close.

Changkyun's moonlit face turned to lock on Hoseok's, and Hoseok saw it then, how fragile he looked. Eyes red, jaw crusted with dried tears, cheeks still glistening with new ones. Hoseok felt his insides fracture, the deconstruction he'd caused too painful to witness. Yet, there was something. The galaxies in Changkyun's eyes brightened, strengthened, as they swirled into Hoseok's.

Words never left his mouth, yet Hoseok heard them. Changkyun's eyes spoke as they wandered, from Hoseok's lips, to his cheeks, to his worried eyes. His thumb stroked Hoseok's face, a faint smile blessing his coral lips. Changkyun leaned in, parted lips finding Hoseok's, drowning both of them in waves of euphoria washing over too slowly, too deeply, it was antagonizing.

Changkyun had captivated, intoxicating every sense of Hoseok's, leaving him breathless.

He pulled away, set eyes falling in Hoseok's, drowning him again as he spoke. "Don't let me go again"   

 

"I never could, Changkyun. Not anymore"

 

* * *

 

 

Kihyun stared blankly at the wall, partially hypnotized by Shownu's agile heartbeat. He sighed, closed his eyes, then pulled away. Shownu's confused eyes searched as Kihyun sat up, back towards him.

"We need to talk about this Ki"

But Kihyun only sighed, turning around too quickly, dropping the only thing covering either of them on the floor with Shownu's displaced clothes and his towel.

He inhaled harshly, parting his lips, only for some internal struggle to press them closed again.

Shownu smiled, taking Kihyun in his arms, feeling the tension melt from the other almost instantly. He pulled Kihyun on his bare lap, holding him in place, fingers weaving.

Kihyun opened his mouth again, when they heard the front door creak open, followed by six feet.

"You locked the door, right?" Shownu whispered, head nudging towards the bedroom door.

"You're asking me this _now_?!"

Shownu shrugged. Kihyun groaned, laughing gently. "Of course I did, it _is_ me after all"

"They'll come knocking you know"

"Of course they will", Kihyun smirked, and Shownu chuckled.

"I really love you, Yoo Kihyun"

Heart skipping a few beats, Kihyun found magic within Shownu's gaze, but it was too much and so his eyes fell between their exposed bodies. He groaned, tackling Shownu with embarrassment, muttering an _I love you too_ amongst the knocking on the door.

 

* * *

 

 

"Should we go inside?", Hyungwon whispered.

Jooheon scrunched his face in concentration, listening for any signs of life inside the darkness of the other bedroom. The door was open just a crack, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't see inside for the life of him.

Minhyuk groaned, rubbing his temples, "well, we can't be shoved out of both rooms. We gotta sleep somewhere, and I want my bed"

"I can sleep on the couch", Hyungwon whispered in a voice so small that it makes you want to die and melt and bust open your heart all at once. Jooheon shook his head in protest.

"No. Just because half our group is feeling kinky doesn't mean we should suffer"

Minhyuk hummed. "Well... I'm assuming Changkyunnie and muscles just made it official, so... they're not gunna jump into that stuff right now, not after all the drama"

The three shared a look and smiled, perhaps for the drama plaguing their dorm finally reaching the end of its curse, or because they'd have actual beds to sleep on tonight.

They nodded to one another, Minhyuk readying his phone for light, and slowly opened the door. It was silent, comfortable, and peaceful. They could hear soft snoring coming from what they assumed was Changkyun's bunk, knowing they belonged to Hoseok, because the maknae slept as silent as a corpse to anyone farther than an inch from his face.

Minhyuk waved his phone about, lighting a path for Jooheon to his bed, and for Hyungwon to the bunk right above. He turned the screen, and the dim light highlighted two entangled figures.

"Hey! What the hell?!", Minhyuk scowled in whispers when he realized his bed had been sacrificed for the new couple. He threw his head back in the air, gritting his teeth as Jooheon and Hyungwon snickered from their blankets.

"Jooheonnie, you sleep in Kyun's spot"

The rapper pouted, "and why should I? My bed wasn't the one sacrificed"

"Because I'm your hyung"

"Not a very good one"

They both paused as someone shifted in Minhyuk's bed, moaning slightly in their sleep. Probably Changkyun, because Hoseok's voice wouldn't resonate that deep.

"Just sleep with me", Jooheon whispered a moment later. He heard Minhyuk groan, then his bed creak and dip as Minhyuk climbed beside him.

 

* * *

 

 

Changkyun turned harshly when sunlight invaded his eyes, burying himself into the softness of his pillow. He felt warmth against his face, the gentle rising and falling like breathing. His half asleep mind assumed he was just dreaming lucid, when his apparent pillow tightened its grip around his waist.

His eyes shot open and his vision met with the white of Hoseok's crumpled hoodie. He backed away, and Hoseok smiled brighter than the sun's rays.

 

"Morning"

 

Changkyun's voice caught in his throat, _certain_ he was dreaming. That he'd dreamt everything from last night, and this was just his mind hallucinating, because it wouldn't be the first time. But Hoseok's warmth against him was too real, his voice too close, and his eyes too defined to be one of Changkyun's cloudy dreams.

"Hey", the younger managed. Hoseok shifted, his palm holding Changkyun's cheek for a brief moment as soft lips pressed against his forehead. Changkyun's heart raced, but Hoseok was already standing up, and so he grabbed his oversized sleeve.

 

"Wait"

Hoseok turned and Changkyun met his gaze, sleep still thick in his voice.

"I wasn't... This happened, right? Last night? Are we...", he paused, eyes wandering in Hoseok's, asking for understanding. The older smiled lazily, nodding.

 

"Yeah", he replied softly. "We are"

 

 

Hoseok found himself smiling like an absolute idiot as soon as he shut the bathroom door behind him. He felt so good he could cry, and he almost did. He smiled to himself in the mirror, seeing a new light about him. A freshness, an unexplainable happiness. His mind relaxed, because his demons couldn't swim and the countless voices in his head now drowned with silence.  

 

 

* * *

 

 

Shownu woke up to Kihyun wobbling off the bed. 

 

He smiled as his boyfriend picked up his disposed towel with a cringe, only to drop it on the floor once more. His hands planted on his hips with a sigh, shaking his head. He picked up Shownu's shirt and slid into it, looking adorably cute, as if wrapped in a blanket. Shownu chuckled, and Kihyun turned abruptly.

"Didn't exactly plan this out huh"

Kihyun frowned, smacking Shownu's thigh half annoyed.

"I wouldn't mind going out like this, but..." he turned his leg outwards, exposing his inner thigh and the red marks littered across, pointing in their direction with both hands.

Shownu scratched the back of his head shyly, "sorry"

Kihyun sighed, picking up the leader's sweatpants and sliding his legs inside. 

"This is actually really comfortable. There's just, so much room", he said, posing his legs in different angles. "I should do this often", he smiled, flapping the excess fabric childishly.

"You could, but I don't think Hoseok and Hyungwon will appreciate it"

"Eh" he shrugged. "They can suck it up. They survived last night, didn't they?"

Shownu smiled, watching intently as Kihyun smoothed the wrinkles out of his newfound shirt.

"I'll use the bathroom first. I don't think anyone else is awake yet", Shownu said as he found his boxers and pulled them up. He made his way towards the door, playfully hitting Kihyun's ass on the way.

Kihyun nodded, smacking a hasty kiss on Shownu's lips before his fingers caught the doorknob.

 

"Ah.." Shownu heard as he closed the bedroom door behind him. He looked up to see Hoseok's eyes fixated on him, his expression soft.

"Good morning", Shownu greeted almost mechanically.

"Morning... uhm," Hoseok's eyes went to Shownu's lips, then to the hardwood floor between them. "Shownu, I- what Changkyun did last night, with you, did you--"

"Hoseok"

He looked up and Shownu's eyes smiled at him. "You don't have to..."

"I know, but... I need to know if you felt something"

Shownu sighed, pressing his lips at Hoseok's obliviousness. "No. And I never could, because I'm in love with Kihyun"

Hoseok's eyes gaped, his jaw dropping and mouth forming an O in complete and utter surprise. Oh, how much sense this all made now. 

"Wait, really? Oh my god, wait, are you two dating?"

Shownu's cheeks turned just a little pink as a soft 'yeah' left his plump lips. Wonho's entire face lit up, feeling anxiety dissipate and happiness for them all at once.

"I'm so sorry I didn't understand before, I'm really happy for you two, seriously... I can't believe I never noticed"

"It's okay. You had a lot going on yourself. I'm really happy for you two as well" Shownu nodded his chin towards the bedroom beside theirs.

"We're that obvious huh"

The leader laughed a little, patting Hoseok's shoulder, "always have been, and I wouldn't want it any other way"

 

 

* * *

 

 

Changkyun's eyes fell on the mattress he was sleepily sitting on, noticing it wasn't his, that they'd both fallen asleep on Minhyuk's bed. 

He looked across the room, finding Minhyuk laying flat on Jooheon as if he were a futon. His eyes travelled upwards, to the leg spilling over the side of the bed, discovering Hyungwon's face almost smushed against the side railing.

 

Changkyun laughed almost too loudly, wondering _what in the actual hell_ happened last night.

 

 

"We have a special Christmas stage today so I need you lazy asses to get up!", Changkyun heard Kihyun yell some amount of time later.

He was still in bed, scrolling through social media when the door flung open. He heard a loud thump against the wall, followed by Minhyuk yelping in pain.

"Seriously get up, Chae Hyungwon get up, you two--", Kihyun paused, "there's an empty bed and a sofa you know", he eyed Minhyuk and Jooheon suspiciously before turning to Changkyun.

He smiled warmly at the maknae, sitting beside him and heavily draping an arm over his shoulder.

"Sooo? Are you and Hoseok finally together now?"

Changkyun pressed his lips in a shy smile, dimples appearing as he blushed a little. "Yeah, I guess we're an item now"

Kihyun smiled proudly, patting the maknae's back. "I'm glad, seriously, this calls for celebration, especially for the rest of us."

"Tell me about it! We probably suffered more than you two did!", Minhyuk alleged, poking his head out from behind Jooheon almost comically, his hair flying in all directions, defying gravity, and with just one eye barely open.

"I know I know, I'm really sorry", Changkyun smiled, putting his hands up in defeat. "Thank you guys, really. For everything"

"No need to thank us. We're sorry you chose an idiot to fall in love with", Jooheon yawned from under Minhyuk, his voice thick with sleep. Kihyun and Minhyuk smiled, and Changkyun felt his heart swell. He was truly lucky, he thought. To have brothers like this.

Kihyun pat his shoulder again, punched Hyungwon in his side, then made his way to the door. He turned on a heel before exiting, his sharp finger pointing at Changkyun. "By the way, kiss Shownu again and I'll _literally_ kill you"

 

 

* * *

 

 

They piled into the van like freshly caught fish, floundering on top of each other to escape the bitter cold of December. Changkyun and Hoseok found themselves in the isolation of the backseat, their voices easily drowned by Kihyun and Jooheon's vocal practices.

It felt like they were meeting for the first time. As if their hearts had reset from zero, before all the pain and doubts and silent love they veiled from the others eyes. Hoseok's head dropped to Changkyun's shoulder, hand finding the younger's, "Changkyun"

 

"Hmm?"

"I'm really sorry I hurt you"

Changkyun could barely hear him, but Hoseok's fingers tightened around his own. The younger smiled to himself, lifting their hands and kissing Hoseok's too quick for anyone to notice.

 

"I know"

 

 

* * *

 

Changkyun felt his body rage, every inch of his being just completely infuriated as he marched wrathfully down the hall.

 

"Why?!" he almost screamed under his breath, "it's freezing out, below fucking zero, we have to be outside for almost two hours and they decide it's smart to put him in a fucking shirt that's net?!", he hissed to absolutely no one that could hear.

He composed himself a millisecond before reaching a door, then pushed it open as if he wasn't fuming just a second ago.

He took a breath as the eyes of stylists and the managers watched him with question. 

 

"Changkyunnie, you should be changed by now", their manager said.

"I'm sorry, hyung, uhm, I just...", he began, controlling the shake in his tone, "Hoseok Hyung's outfit is literally net and it's really cold outside and I really think it will be better if he wears something else because he can get sick", he spit out all at once.

"It's a selling point," one of the higher managers started, and Changkyun had to use every cell in his body to remain professional.

"We go back on tour in three days. I'm sorry but, he gets sick easily, unless if him being sick is also a selling point." He knew he shouldn't have said that last part, he really shouldn't have. But at this point he didn't care, because Starship was testing his nerves.

One manager hummed and Changkyun felt just a little guilty. He was the maknae after all, yet he did shit like this. A part of him was used to it, but the rest of management would've had his ass for this if it wasn't for one manager in particular. The only one that ever had their back. That actually cared.

"He has a point. If Hoseok gets sick, it won't be good for the boys or the tour", manager Hongsik finally said, but the other was quick to argue.

"What do you want us to do?", the higher manager proclaimed as if this was an impossible request. "We listened to you for Paris, but we can't take that aspect away entirely"

"If it's needed then have me wear that, hyung. It's unexpected and fans will go crazy. Just.. don't force Hoseok hyung. Please", his voice softened, eyes pleading with hands joined.

"It's fine, Kyun. If you want to wear it instead, you can. Hoseok doesn't have to", Hyungsik said with a smile, and Changkyun nearly threw himself at his feet.

He ignored the glare from the higher up as he gave Hyungsik a quick hug before darting out of the room.


	9. A Simple Mistake

 

**9 : A Simple Mistake**

* * *

 

**  
"Stop it all**

**  
You have to hold my hand"**

* * *

"Hot damn." Minhyuk gawked, shamelessly staring at the maknae as he finally joined everyone in the waiting room, a good fifteen minutes late.

"Sexy Rudolf," Jooheon said with a nod.

Changkyun glared at the duo as Kihyun felt the thin fabric that just _barely_ covered the younger's skin.

"This is... not going to shield you from the cold outside," Kihyun said, but Changkyun simply shrugged, and Kihyun faked insult.

" _Don't you shrug at me_. The rest of us are in full sleeves and in some kind of coat _plus_ Santa hat. Why are you the only unfortunate soul in just a fucking piece of fishing equipment and antlers?!" Kihyun fumed, his mom instincts dinging off the scale as he watched his youngest kid shiver already, reminding him of the time they figuratively threw him into the cold winter ocean.

"You already caught your fish", Kihyun threw a hand in Hoseok's direction, "so why in the hell do you need to wear this!?" he threw his hand back to the shirt. "You're gunna be sneezing and sniffling by tomorrow and I'll have to stay home _on Christmas eve_ to take care of you!"

"Hyung please, it's fine, my immune system is like super strong," Changkyun reassured, struggling to take off the antlers for the time being because they were too tight and giving him a headache. Or maybe it was the cold, he wasn't sure, but he sure as hell didn't wanna put these skull squeezers on until the last possible minute. 

Hoseok stood up, eyeing the sad excuse of cloth that draped on Changkyun's body. "This shirt, it was meant to be worn by me, wasn't it?" he said, inspecting something behind Changkyun's back. Kihyun looked between Hoseok and the safety pin keeping the net snug against Changkyun's torso.

"Hyung, just," Changkyun turned to face Hoseok, but failed to hide anything from that knowing look just _begging_ not be lied to. "Just don't worry, please. I'll be fine"

Hoseok opened his mouth to say something, but people were already urging them to the bottom of the stage for their entrance. 

 

 

Hoseok scanned the little space. There was barely any light, save for the gentle glow of Christmas lights around the doors of the human-sized ornaments they were going to be lifted up inside. His ornament was lined with white Christmas lights and white decoration, with just the faintest hint of platinum gold. He noticed Changkyun's ornament was mostly decorated in red, Hyungwon's in blue, and Shownu's in gold. He could only assume Minhyuk's was orange, because he was too far away and his lights blended with Kihyun's bright green. Jooheon's ornament glowed a deep purple on the other end of their maknae. He knew that as a fact because he would catch a glimpse every time he glanced at Changkyun, who was beside his own. 

The speakers above blared their introduction video and he could barely hear anything else. It was too dark for him to see his hands or breath against the chill, and could just faintly see the members. Hoseok slipped off his Santa hat and squeezed it in his hands

A crew member stood at the far edge, fixing something on Minhyuk's Christmas ball. Hoseok spied a glance at Changkyun, noticing his antlers still clasped in his palms. 

The maknae moved to step inside, as the crew member had signaled for the boys to do, but Hoseok caught his hand just in time and Changkyun turned in surprise. Hoseok messily pushed his Santa hat onto Changkyun head, using the movement to pull his face closer, smacking a messy kiss on his dimly highlighted lips. But just as Changkyun was about to dissolve into his warmth, Hoseok's breath on his skin was already going away, along with the antlers from his hand.

Changkyun caught his breath, and thought maybe his hyung was smiling right now, because he felt the corners of those soft lips curve just as they were leaving, and he couldn't help but smile too as he climbed into the giant ball.

 

 

 

It took less than two seconds for Hoseok to find Changkyun. The moment they exited backstage, he robotically searched for the younger, as if his eyes were programmed to do so, spotting him only a few steps behind.

 

"Hyung-"

Changkyun tried, but Hoseok's jacket and thick scarf, which he had stolen from Hyungwon during their Christmas song, was already snug around the younger's neck and torso. Changkyun couldn't help but blink rapidly as Hoseok pulled their bodies close, but the warmth from Hoseok was too much, and Changkyun's eyes fluttered shut just long enough to feel that aching shiver leave his bones.

Hoseok began to pull away, before anyone saw them, but Minhyuk and Hyungwon playfully joined in, then Kihyun, then Shownu and Jooheon. The members were pushing them closer, the group hug becoming a pile of giggles and warmth. He smiled, and caught Changkyun smiling too.  

 

* * *

 

 

"You're leaving tonight, right?" Hoseok asked Minhyuk, who was seated beside him in the van. 

"Yup. Jooheon too"

Kihyun tilted his head at the reply, obviously confused. "I thought your family wasn't coming back from the US until tomorrow morning?" he asked the rapper, who turned to Kihyun maybe too sharply, eyes shaking just a little.

"I'm, uhm, staying at Minhyuk hyung's tonight, until they're, you know, back"

" _Hmm,_ " Changkyun made a face, peeking from behind Hoseok's seat to eye Minhyuk and Jooheon as if he knew something no one else did.

But Minhyuk was quick to defend, his brows pressed together with a pout on his lips, "he's telling the truth. He doesn't wanna be alone so he's just staying with my family. Why are you guys constantly attacking us today"

Hyungwon leaned in close to Minhyuk's ear, half on Changkyun's lap just to get there. "You're not that subtle," he whispered with a smirk.

Minhyuk crossed his arms and proceeded to sulk out the window.

 

* * *

 

 

Changkyun stepped out of the hot shower and immediately held in an oncoming sneeze. If anyone heard it, he would be done for, and so he held his breath awkwardly until the sneeze dissipated. He nodded, dried himself off too quickly, then threw some clothes on.

Changkyun peeked at the front door where Kihyun and Hyungwon were putting on their shoes. "You guys leaving now?"

Hyungwon turned, nodding sleepily. It wasn't even late, yet he looked as if he was in need of sleep this very instant.

"There's some fruits in the fridge that will go bad if someone doesn't eat them, like, tonight, so please finish them with Hoseok hyung," Kihyun mothered, straightening out his back with a loud grunt that was very unique to the one and only Yoo Kihyun.

"Yes _mom"_

"I also got eggnog and made gingerbread cookies for your special date, so don't forget that either" 

"Aww thank you, aren't you sweet," the youngest cooed, receiving a glare from his hyung. 

"Is Hoseok doing his live right now?" Hyungwon asked through a yawn. Changkyun nodded.

"I'll be going down there soon, to join him. Just gotta... get ready and stuff first," Changkyun's voice trailed as he mentally scanned his closet for the perfect outfit for what he was sure would be a perfect early Christmas eve.

Kihyun pat his back, softly squeezing Changkyun's shoulder, "have fun tonight. You don't know when's the next time you'll get a chance to be alone with him like this"

"Yeah," Changkyun replied too softly, "I will. Thanks, hyung"

 

* * *

 

 

"But when I was little, on Christmas my mom would-" Hoseok paused, distracted by the sound of his studio door clicking open, unable to contain his happy grin as Changkyun stepped inside.

He turned his attention back to the live and continued his story, but his eyes continually found Changkyun with an idiotic smile;  as he placed his bag beside the wall, a bowl of something on the table, sat cross-legged on the floor next to the desk. Hoseok trailed off too many times, just watching him, getting to know him all over again as if it were the first time.

Changkyun busied himself on his phone for a few moments, then grew bored at the lack of media. He pulled out a small notebook that looked in severe need of retirement, along with a simple ball point pen. Hoseok glanced again, and the maknae was scribbling something on the old yellow pages of the book with an ear bud shoved in his right ear, leaving the left free to listen to Hoseok speak.

"I guess it's already time to say goodbye," Hoseok said with a cute pout. "I can't believe it's been an hour already, but I guess time passes quickly when you're talking to those you love"

Changkyun cringed a little, holding back inevitable laughter from Hoseok's classic cheesiness that desperately needed some damn bread, or macaroni, or any damned thing that could use the cheese more than he does. 

"I wonder if any of the members watched this. Or, are watching this," he said softly as a method of stalling. "Maybe Changkyunnie is watching this," he glanced quickly in Changkyun's direction, fingers fiddling with his earring.

"Well anyways, please take care Monbebe's, I love you"

Hoseok waved goodbye for a good five minutes, blew some kisses, then finally put his phone aside with a lengthy yawn.

Changkyun craned his neck to see Hoseok better, "you done?"

Hoseok stretched and smiled his classic smile that just makes you want to catapult into a void because it's too soft for mortal eyes to handle. "Yup," he held out both arms, hands grabbing at the air. "C'mere"

 

Changkyun smiled, standing from his corner just a little hesitantly, taking his bottom lip between teeth to bite down his nervousness. Because this was too new for either to fathom, still too unreal to believe it was actually happening after all the tears and screaming and pain.

Changkyun took a few small steps towards Hoseok and couldn't help but blush a little as the elder's hands found his own, pulling him between legs with set eyes. Hoseok leaned in, wrapping his arms around Changkyun's waist, pressed his face against his stomach, and sighed into the soft fabric of his pink sweater.

Hoseok closed his eyes and just _listened_.

To the rhythm of Changkyun's heart, the soft reverberation of breathing. That gentle shuffle of Changkyun's arms against his ears as they folded around shoulders, the rustle of hair as lips peppered little kisses on the crown of his head. 

He felt Changkyun's fingers fiddle with his earring, something he had always done before, but never like this. Never _this_ intimately. And Hoseok had to open his eyes to even begin to believe it, because the darkness of his lids made all of this feel like a dream.

 

"It's like.." Hoseok muttered, burying his face deeper into the younger's stomach. "Like, it's not real, you know? Like I'm just dreaming. I just still can't believe it"

Changkyun squeezed his arms around Hoseok before pulling away just slightly. His lips curved just a little, into the softest smile Hoseok had ever seen, and he finally noticed the pink on Changkyun's cheeks. But his own cheeks burned when the chair squeaked, as Changkyun climbed on his lap, legs stretched on both sides of Hoseok's thighs.

"Changkyun-", Hoseok gasped, fingers digging into the flesh of Changkyun's hips, probably leaving marks.

The younger held his cheeks, staring so deeply into his eyes that Hoseok feared he would be set on fire as Changkyun pulled his face up. Hoseok could feel the others breath settle on his skin, on his lips and on his chin. But Changkyun's eyes darkened still, as he lowered himself closer, and closer, teasing Hoseok with a fleeting brush of lips, planting a soft kiss on his nose, then on his surprised lips.

"Do you believe it now?"

Hoseok smirked. "I'm not sure. Maybe I need one more to really believe it?"

Changkyun chuckled, then gently pushed Hoseok's bangs up to kiss his forehead, his temple, cheek, and under his earlobe. Hoseok held in a sound, and when Changkyun looked up from his neck, Hoseok's eyes were clenched shut.

 

"Look at me"

And Hoseok did, because he couldn't evade that deep voice that trembled his heart. He looked and Changkyun licked the corner of his own mouth as thumbs trailing across Hoseok's heated cheeks. Changkyun pulled him close again, this time taking Hoseok's lips eagerly on his own.

Hoseok inhaled sharply, clutching onto Changkyun's hips with dear life because the tingling sensation of Changkyun's lips on his own, that sweet wet bliss, was too much for him to handle with sanity.

Changkyun massaged his lips against Hoseok's with sounds that were purely sinful, of deprived lips smacking against another. Changkyun pushed his hips against Hoseok, wanting to be closer, wanting to dive into him completely and lose himself in his city of lights.

Hoseok moaned into the kiss, leaning back into the chair, allowing Changkyun to press their bodies entirely, but Hoseok was getting too hot. He wanted more. Needed more, after all these years of having his desires run dry.

He bit Changkyun's bottom lip, pulling it a little, earning a deep sound of pleasure that sent butterflies soaring in his gut. But Changkyun was always a step ahead, and his tongue grazed against Hoseok's upper lip, craving entry. And Hoseok gave in too quickly, in the stars of Changkyun's eyes and the blaze from his touch. So he let Changkyun's tongue slide inside his mouth, he let it caress and push against his own, leaving a stream of saliva as they both pulled away from a kiss that left them gasping for air. Hoseok's hair still tangled in Changkyun's fingers, the other hand curled between his neck and ear. They smiled from eyes and lips, and Hoseok finally loosened his grip on Changkyun's hips.

"Was that real enough, hyung?" Changkyun smirked. Hoseok nodded, still trying to find his breath.

"Yeah," he whispered, making Changkyun press their foreheads together. "But, can I ask you something?"

Changkyun tilted his head, pulling away a little to properly look at him. "Of course"

"Don't call me hyung anymore. I'm your boyfriend now, so age doesn't really matter anymore. We're equals. So, just call me Hoseok, okay?"

"Okay," Changkyun smiled just a little shyly, "Hoseok."

 

* * *

 

  

"That doesn't go at all over there," Hyungwon whined, taking the Ornament from his younger brothers hands, who was now annoyed. "But, I mean, if it makes you happy then fine," he gave in, giving the little glitter orb back to him.

"Wonnie, put this on the very top," his mother said, handing Hyungwon a shiny metal star that was supposed to light up. He took it, then easily placed it on the tip of the tall Christmas tree, but shook like a leaf in a hurricane a second later as his sister practically soared across the room.

 

"HYUNGWON", she yelled, giving him a heart attack.

"Hyungwon, HYUNGWON OH MY GOD, just-- HERE," she shoved her phone in his face as she continued to freak out or fan girl, he wasn't entirely sure.

 

He looked at the little screen quizzically.

"Hoseok is still doing a Vlive? Why is it--", he stopped breathing, then his eyes widened with fear. "Oh shit"

 

* * *

 

 

"This tree is way too small for all these decorations," Changkyun said with a pout, trying really hard to place the last ornament on a branch that already had too much on it.

 

"Well, it represents how much I love you, that's why it's overflowing"

 

Changkyun blinked at him a few times with pressed lips as the other giggled stupidly.

"Remind me to get you a lot of bread, please," he deadpanned.

"You say that a lot to me," he laughed, then pulled out a ball of fluff from his bag. "Did you bring yours?"

Changkyun nodded, still amazed at how attached they'd gotten to these stuffed bunnies. He unearthed the Hoseok bunny from his bag, and placed it next to his look alike beneath the tree. "There. Now they can enjoy Christmas too", he said, petting the two bunnies as Hoseok studied him amusedly.

 

"You're adorable"

 

"Shut up. Eat the fruits" 

Hoseok leaned across Changkyun's lap, trying to break off a grape from the bowl of fruit Kihyun had sent for them to finish. He plopped it into his mouth, but continued to let his weight fall on the younger's lap. Until the younger's hands roamed across his back, wanting to pull him up.

Hoseok followed as he always did. Letting Changkyun pull him by the collar, as he lowered his back to the floor until he lay flat against the wood, and Hoseok hovered above him with a knee between his legs. He drowned, for a little while. Forgetting to breathe because the Christmas lights reflected in Changkyun's soft eyes, lips still swollen from before, the look on his face too captivating. And so he lowered his weight onto Changkyun, letting him clutch onto his back.  

Hoseok ran his fingers across Changkyun's hair, and the younger closed his eyes just for a moment, melting, leaning into his touch. Then leaning again, pushing Hoseok down with a hand on the back of his head. Changkyun kissed him, again, but nothing like before. Without the eagerness and pooling desire, he kissed him with the gentle whisper of snow.

"I really love you Hoseok"

Hoseok's heart was racing. Because he loved him too. So much that just saying the word made his face flush and lips curve into the most radiant of smiles. He pecked Changkyun's cheek, again, and again, until finally he replied, "I love you too Changkyunnie"

"You're driving me crazy," the younger whined, "It kinda scares me, because I don't know if I can control myself in public"

Hoseok giggled. "I know, I'm scared too, but... we deserve this, don't we?" The corner of his lip curved, and Changkyun focused in his eyes. "Most of our songs are about love, but we aren't even allowed to be in a relationship. But, we deserve it, just like everyone," Hoseok paused, smile fading. "Even if we're both men. Even if we're idols. We deserve this kind of happiness, right?"

"Of course we do," Changkyun breathed out. He tucked a hair behind Hoseok's ear, trying to reassure him, but the sound of something vibrating insanely made him shake. Hoseok laughed at the cuteness, at how off-guard he made the maknae.

"Is that your phone?" Changkyun asked, trying to find his own. He lifted it up, but it was silent, and so he dropped the phone on his chest.

"Yeah, but it's aaaall the way over there," Hoseok said, pointing towards the desk with his chin.

"Shouldn't you pick it up?"

"Nah," he shrugged, leaning in to kiss Changkyun, when another vibration gave both of them a heart attack, booming from the phone on Changkyun's chest.

"Oh my god," the younger scowled in English, picking up the phone angrily.

"Hyungwon hyung what the hell-- What? Can you calm down, I can't understand.. Hoseok's phone? Yeah? Vlive? Wait, didn't he-- what?!" He pushed Hoseok off, reaching frantically for Hoseok's phone, hanging up on his own with panic. He froze, unable to think or breathe, and Hoseok was beside him in an instant.

"Changkyun what-" and then he saw it. The Vlive still rolling on voice only, with floods of comments pooling in. Hoseok hastily pressed the end button, then covered his mouth with a trembling hand. "Fuck" 

 


End file.
